Sacred Salvage

New Blog

2008-10-25T13:12:00.001-05:00

Hey all -

Sarah and I now have a combined blog at burtons.wordpress.com. Check us out there.

Expectation versus Expectancy

2008-08-18T21:43:00.002-05:00

I feel like I may be on the verge of a personal breakthrough. I have had my heart stuck in a loop of questions about my relationship with God. What is it supposed to be today? What should I expect, hope for, and pray expectantly for? Is the shopping list of prayers that I have grown up with a concoction of the selfish nature of mankind? Does God really want to provide an answer to our frustration with the passport renewal forms?

I have read a lot of scripture. I have played my part in a variety of church circles. I have loved God deeply and felt shattered by my expectation to see Him invade my life at some points. At others I have seen Him change hearts, heal the scars of abuse, and mend broken bodies. This has thrown me into a conundrum. What is different about the prayers? Some of the moments He intervenes, and some of the moments a haunting silence seems to prevail and all you can do is mourn and pray for redemption from the pain.

So, I have fell again and again over this issue of expectation. What should I expect when I pray about the day, about this day?

I am being confronted by the nature of expectation. It is about boundaries. It is about control. It is fueled by distrust. Each of these become well-intentioned barriers I throw up in my quest to turn to God and yet still remain in control, to demand that at least I should know how to prepare myself for His response.

My desire to understand what I should expect is fully hostile to the nature of expectancy, of waiting with trust that whatever comes, love will prevail. In the end, God still wins, despite whether I see the answer I want come.

Prayer for me seems to flow so easy when it is focused on gratitude, repentance, and relationship. It freezes around asking God for an answer in the moment for me. It is easy to pray for others, but I stumble over my insecurity of expectation. Yet I feel and believe He is inviting me to a further level of trust, of expectancy.

So, that seems to be the journey of my heart at the moment. It is jumbled and sometimes drown out by grant applications or the Olympics, but it still seems to hum to itself quietly waiting for me to return to it. I am quite convinced that God is far more committed to this journey than I can be on my best day, and that lends my heart strength, as I know my capacity to stray is amazingly great.

He is good in the worst of ways. He is good in the best of ways. And His invitations to follow Him and know Him require the uncovering of areas I would probably leave ignored. Yet, He is persistent in His stubborn love to renew me and invite me back to understand Him anew. Great is our God.

Notaly no more... now it is Yitaly!

2008-08-10T19:10:00.003-05:00

For those of you who have been listening to my whining session about not being able to take a trip to Europe pre-"beginning my uber responsible parental life", ha ha... I shall whine no more. In a moment of jest, I went as far as to declare that our first born, should it be a girl, would be named Notaly (secret code for "Not Italy"). Now our collective reproductive organs have a 4 month timer put on them, as we are going to Italy this winter. Hurray, hurrah! I don't have to grow up yet!

We have discovered that by adding "Bella" before each noun and "ay" to the end of the noun, we speak quite passable Italian. For example, "Honey, please pass the "bella remotay!". (Translation: Pass the remote.) Our Italian is enhanced greatly by vivid arm gestures with no correlation to the topic of the sentence. It's been easier to learn Italian than I thought it would have been.

Yesterday, we loaded up our backpacks (tres chic!) with 25 pound weights and hiked a mile in a local park in the midst of several speed walking retirees who thought the backpacks were an interesting addition to our ensemble. So, we are in practice for the trip. When we passed a group of trees, I would yell, ""We're late for our train. Run!" We had to imagine the slice of pizza in our hand as we ran of course. Later, I will bring the pizza to the park with us so that we can practice for real.

Now we are watching Lalympics (Burtonese for Olympics) and enjoying most of it. I am working on my floor exercise for the 2012 Lalympics during commercials. I am surprisingly graceful. Our cat is my biggest fan.

Where the H E Double Hockey Sticks Have I Been

2008-07-15T21:11:00.003-05:00

Well, I would like to say that I am definitely back on the blogging boat, but I am still feeling out my commitment level. Here's the deal. Some time early this year I found myself stuck in a job I was highly unhappy with. It was stressful, difficult, and my fuel for far too much complaining off the job.

So, about five weeks ago I changed jobs. I am greatly pleased with my new job. It is about all I could ask for at this moment in my life. Good pay, respect, significant responsibility, great affordable benefits, and I get to make a real impact in communities across the state. However, currently I have a 67 mile commute one direction, and well, the other direction too after I am there. Also, can we say internet monitoring? So, work is not a good place to catch up on my blogging. So the world is spared from my ramblings...

And you all know how it is... once you stop something it takes significant effort to regain momentum. Plus, most of my early blogging was fueled by a rush of adrenaline and testosterone from dating my wife.... and alas, (*"Alas, what baby?!, interjects my wife.") it is used up in other ways at this point.

So for all who wonder, we are still doing well. It looks like we may be moving to Lawrence, Kansas in a month, which has never been on my specific list of places to move to, but hey, surprise, surprise, right...? I still have no idea what "Rock Chalk JayHawk" is supposed to mean, nor do I yet have an affinity for the short bird with the misproportioned beak and cranium. But there is lots of music, cheap beer, and clothing made of various recycled materials that is guarenteed to exfoliate whatever portion of your body it covers. Sarah and I are still trying to decide what we are going to protest when we move in. Evidently it is a requirement to have "a cause" when you move into Lawrence.

Sarah has been scrapbooking like a maniac. Yesterday she scrapbooked the tornado damage. Those of you who know her family, know that her hometown has been mangled by a tornado. I won't write about it at length because it's hard to look or talk about, but the town is starting the rebuilding process.

Rio, our purring floor mat with teeth, is a bountiful 17 pounds of sleeping fury.

No other new additions to the family right now... at least none that I am aware of.

So, I hope you all feel moderately enlightened. I will try to blog a bit more regularly. Just know we are busy, productive, but deeply blessed and happy with our lives.

Oh, and I graduated too... did I mention that? $12,000 and 2 years later I am now a Master of the Universe. For those of you caught unaware in that reference, wikipedia "He-Man". Yep, awesome.

When I swallow, my throat screams at me

2008-04-11T10:16:00.004-05:00

This winter has not been terribly fun. It wants to hang around far too long. There may be snow tomorrow. It's almost the middle of April. I want green! If that is not enough, I have gotten sick twice in one winter. That adds to this complaining session. Currently, my throat is raw and feels like I have been swallowing brillo pads. Seriously, aren't you supposed to grow out of this stuff?

March Madness

2008-03-29T21:04:00.003-05:00

My brain is swirling madly between college basketball (none of the colleges I attended mind you), actual college projects, taxes (oh how I hate them), wild work moments, and gastrointestinal extravaganzas. I want to see either KU or UNC win (I have to pull for my girl's team too). So needless to say, it will be tough to choose who to cheer for on Saturday.

Nothing worth dialoging at length at this moment. I am regularly reminded that the chaotic chess board that is urban development, is not near as interesting to people who do not study it or choose it for a career. See, I am a merciful blogger. However, last night we ate dinner with some friends of ours and the wife is in community development and the husband is a teacher. It was like playing cross the table conversation ping pong all night.

So, best wishes to everyone else with their March Madness. Hopefully all here in our household will win.

Gotta Love Spring

2008-03-02T15:31:00.002-06:00

Spring is coming. Today the weather seems to be confused about that fact. The high today is 76, tomorrow 31.... seriously, what?

I do have to say that I am ready for Spring. I love sunshine, blue skies, and an abundance of green. I went bike riding and took a walk yesterday. It was much like a binge on sunlight and fresh air. I found myself smiling again, just smelling the air and watching the horny little squirrels chase each other like they have been abstinent for the length of Winter. Ahh, Spring!

Oh, yesterday, I had an America's Funniest Videos moment. The trail I like to bike on is paved, but not currently open to car traffic. It, much like today, was confused about what season it was. There were several hundred yard patches of solid ice on the four mile stretch. When I came to them, I would find a line in the ice and just ride straight. So, four miles out and 3 and 9/10 miles back, on my last patch of ice I lost control, the bike kicked out a good 8 feet away from the rest of my body, and my less than bodacious back side landed directly on the ice. There I was, thanking God that I had emptied my bowels prior to the ride and wondering if I was going to freeze to death on this stretch of ice. The road was closed for construction and I was the only human I had seen on the four mile stretch. So... I laid there, water soaking into my clothes, and thought about the deeper things of life, like walking and breathing. I very slowly made my way up and on the fifteen try was able to lift my leg up to get back on the bike and ride out.

Alas, there were no video crews to capture my feat of grace. Today, my ham is more tender than normal. Everything seems to be functioning, so that's good. I may have a little skateboarding pycho in my genes some where, because I plan to keep biking... though I may wait until the ice melts to go again.

The things you do to commemorate Spring after a miserable Winter....

Three Strikes in One Day

2008-02-26T10:21:00.004-06:00

Well, to those of you who have followed my excursion into the nonprofit world, it will come as no surprise that I am job hunting again. I am still working and trying to help at my organization, but I have not been able to find a way to contribute meaningfully in my current workplace environment. I could provide a plethora of details and lots of stories, but I will spare you. Just talk to my wife, and she can catch you up on the drama. Thus, I have been actively networking, calling on friends, applying for jobs... all while working full-time and going to college at night.

Today has not been a good day. I received three "thanks for trying" responses on three of the jobs I applied for.

What I want: one job in community or economic development that pays enough to live on and will provide an opportunity to use my education and grow in my experience... seems pretty clear, or so I thought.

What I have found: It's a field with no entry-level positions. So, everyone expects experience and a 4-year degree. I've got limited experience and almost my master's degree, but that has not cut it yet. Also, the Midwest is not a very friendly environment for community development (apart from Chicago maybe). There is little public and private investment here.

At this point, I giving Kansas City until the summer to redeem itself. Otherwise I am going to hunt elsewhere.

So I have been and continue to be discouraged. I have been working hard to get a door to open. I know I have the capacity to contribute well if I can just get a meaningful opportunity. The combination of a semi-hostile work environment, an uglier than normal winter, a house that is still for sale, still looking for a church to call home, and having less free time due to school obligations has been hard on us. It feels like we are just floating, waiting for something good to happen, all while the current less-than-desirable situation continues to recycle itself each day.

If you think about us, say a prayer for the right door to open and for emotional and mental strength to endure a situation we are dissatisfied with.

Struggling for Inspiration, Swirling in the Greys

2008-02-22T08:49:00.003-06:00

I have had moments in my life where I have felt more inspired than I do right now.

Wow, that is a profound statement. Something else I have learned about myself is that I tend to try to soften the blow of written words with too many qualifiers.

I guess a more honest statement would be, "Where is my inspiration? I seem to have spent all that I had."

The more I learn, the gray things seem. I grew up as a profoundly black and white child. Right and wrong were polar opposites.

I still believe there are universal truths, but there are so many things that I used to believe that seem much more muddy.

I am effectively at a point where my evaluation of the gray areas is all about the impact they have. If an organization, program, policy, or idea sells like a symphony in theory, but sounds like a rush hour traffic jam in practice, I struggle with calling it good, just because its values seem noble. At the end of the day, I want to see something work, some immutable positive impact. I want to see lives changed for the better... neighborhoods and cities reflecting caring concern and wisdom in management... churches reflecting practical and meaningful impact in their communities...

I am tired of one testimony wins, those beautiful stories in brochures that hide ninety-nine failures.

It's not all about the numbers, and it is. Where is the impact?

So perhaps this is why I struggle for inspiration. Day to day I watch many more failures repeat themselves in slightly different shades and flavors, while the successes seem much more intangible and sometimes concocted for political favor or another wave of fundraising.

It seems like there are many barriers to growth, but an abundance of fuel for decay.

It's like the hearts of so many have turned shallow or hard, and the abuses and suffering that have been proliferated in modern America are hidden under a current of busyness, entertainment, and materialism. I would love to see some kind of cultural reawakening, a new sensitivity to one another break out. Tolerance seems like such a bland substitute for friendship.

The more I know, the harder it seems to concoct a meaningful solution on my own. There is power in unity, in friendships... but so many seem to want to stop at relationships that exist to cover the boredom, that hide the loneliness.

On many more levels undisclosed, I struggle with inspiration, primarily because I am not sure that I have faith in humanity to change. It's easier to continue working, growing old, and investing in 401k's. It's easier to do what we know to do, what we have been raised to do.

I wish compassion and true brotherly love would serve as a catalyst for cultural change. I long for an awakening in the church and in neighborhoods alike. What if we mobilized our resources and lives in the name of healing our social and spiritual wounds? What would that look like? Could a movement seen in life and times of Jesus, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr happen again in our time, or have we become too numb, too politically correct to care for our brothers and sisters? Alone, I feel so powerless to hope for a miracle.

Things are terribly grey.

Unaffirmative Action

2008-02-22T07:44:00.004-06:00

Here in Missouri there is a group working to effectively eliminate Affirmative Action. Similar bills from the same group have already passed in California and Michigan. I listened in on a presentation implying that Ward Connerly, an African American businessman from California, was financially backing this legislation in different states for his own gain in kick backs. While I cannot verify any of the accusations, I do struggle with knowing what side to take on the issue.

At some point, most punitive legislation runs its time out, and it may no longer serve its original function. I heard some say that this will send us back in Civil Rights 60 years. I am just not sure. If the legislation actually worked, it should be repealed at some point otherwise it continues to give preferential treatment to one portion of the populous.

I cannot really say that I am a fan of Affirmative Action as it has been practiced. I really appreciate the scholarships that have spun out of it, but the lawsuit paranoia many business owners feel from having the right mix of diversity in their workforce seems to hinder business growth in some areas. I tried reading up on it this week, but I still cannot say that I like it as it has been written and practiced. The underlying assumption is that those who chose not to make a good social effort for a proper mix of diversity in their workforce are discriminating. While I am sure that this is quite possible in many cases, I struggle to believe that we need federal legislation that impacts every business.

You can read more about the history of Affirmative Action here and here, and about the group opposing the Missouri legislation here. It's worth a read just to know where you stand on the issue.

Can we legislate diversity in a constantly changing workforce and shifting business environment? Can you illegalize prejudice? Does punitive legislation serve to equal the playing field short-term and long-term? What are the long-term impacts of keeping or abolishing Affirmative Action?

Right Brainy

2008-01-26T14:39:00.001-06:00

Lately I have been reading a book called "A Whole New Mind" by Daniel Pink. In it he contends that the next evolution in American workplace economics is the "Conceptual Age". As the "Information Age" has peaked and is now spreading to other cheaper labor pools, Americans are now enduring a season of watching their occupations shift to India and China. Previously, this was limited to manufacturing positions, though now MBA's and engineering grads are being cranked out of India, China, and the Philippines. American's are enduring a glut of excess wealth. The American dream in no longer contained in a basic three bedroom home and single car lifestyle. As we mastered the use of logic and repetition, we have become wealthy. Pink argues that the ability to use logic is no longer enough to hold the American workforce at the peak of the global economy.

This is particularly interesting due to the recent speculation about a global recession. How is the American workforce going to endure another shift in how they contribute value added activities to the global economy? Will we slump? Will we lead? Are we prepared to grow?

Pink argues that the step beyond logic is defined by the ability to create, empathize, and understand the big picture. This is next set of skills require to move the economy beyond the Information Age. This set of skills is controlled by a relatively under-utilized portion of our brain, the right hemisphere. While logic is still necessary, it is not enough. When programmers in India can perform repetitious code writing for a quarter the cost of an American programmer, it is only a matter of time before those repetitious tasks align themselves with the most cost effective labor pool.

Pink also believe that Americans, in the face of so much excess wealth, now ache for transcendence in their daily life. This harmonizes with a long term ache that I have felt. Putnam's Bowling Alone presents a portion of this ache as a consequence from a society that has lost the value of social capital. I believe it will be particularly interesting to see if new quasi-communal businesses and non-profits emerge in the next decade. I have nursed a business plan in my mind for a number of years for one such quasi-communal business. As generation Y emerges as the greatest spending generation ever, agencies that are able to blend solid business techniques with an artist's soul will emerge as new contenders.

I hope that this does not stop at designer consumerism... the same stuff, just a prettier package. I hope that we see a new creative force emerge that manages with excellence and passion. I am interested and excited to see what "right brain" directed communities and businesses would be like. If we can be holistic, spiritual, and artistic while also being logical, professional, and strategic... that would truly be a better way to think and live.

Inner-City Perspective

2008-01-09T15:23:00.000-06:00

Many of you may be aware that I changed jobs recently from a relatively information heavy office and corporate training job, and now to a youth development position for highly disadvantaged youth.

All I can say right now is "Ouch". It's probably why I have not blogged much lately. My thoughts are caught up in petty arguments, fear for the future of these youth, and questions about my own capacity to endure. Without oversharing, I just am struggling with the sheer distance I see between where these youth are at today and where a productive place for them to contribute their abilities and life to society lies. It feels like the staff takes the brunt of the fear, insecurity, anger, and frustration these youth have been carrying for 16 - 20 years.

It's hard to even explain to people who are so removed from the lifestyle of the inner-city. On one hand, inner-city culture has been tragically marketed and glamorized in mall front stores, rap music, and music videos. On the other hand it has been blacklisted by businesses, those with wealth, and the media. The truth is far more difficult to grasp.

We, in America, are facing a rootless culture that is severely broken and neglected. Why it is in its current state has been the source of argument for decades. People lightly throw around topics like slavery, drug use, abuse, economic abandonment, fatherlessness, godlessness.... all in some desire to explain the disparity between life in many American urban corridors and life in "productive America".

It is difficult to understand the scale of the problem. A culture is being passed from one generation to the next that serves to foster a spirit of desperate hopelessness. Life exists for the moment. Take what you can. Laugh at what you can. Protect your ego, your family, your car, your friends, and your wallet... in that order.

It seems that urban America is deeply in need for a new cultural movement, one to define it, to encompass it, to guide it. Other cultures, such as the Jews, have experienced repeated decades of slavery, abuse, and being forcibly taken from their homes... yet their culture, their government, their hope, the norms and rituals that defined them have also served as internal beacons to guide them back to life when they once again had the opportunity to decide what they would do with their own lives. Perhaps it is due to the territorial, violent, fractured nature of many of the West African tribes in the 1800's that there were few cultural markers passed down. One would hope that there would be some internal call to a lifestyle that reflects some of humanities more noble qualities. Instead, most African Americans seem to be waiting. They do not fully reflect the tribal nature of many of their ancestors., nor do they accurately reflect Western culture, the culture that brought them to America. This seems to be a very difficult thing for them to accept. In general, it seems that the culture has unified around victimhood in reaction to Western culture, as well as fighting for turf and power (which is actually far more similar to the tribal roots).

I do not deny abuse. I do not deny slavery. Nor do I deny the holocaust, the pograms, or the inquisitions. Our history is ripe with one culture using their superior resources to forcibly take advantage of another culture. Though I struggle with what appears to be a lingering question in urban America... "Who are we?" There seems to be little consistency. Family structure is incredibly fractious. Escapism is prevalent. Violence to protect pride is the norm.

Wealthy America seems to struggle to understand inner-city culture, unless there is an opportunity to make money from it. Bleeding hearts weep for it. Politicians leverage it. But the answers do not come easily. How do you reform a culture without meddling?

I believe there is a shift away from racism and prejudice. I believe that recent generations are demonstrating a new respect for differences in cultures that is newer to America's timeline. I do not believe that racism is the primary hindrance to forward progress any longer, nor the issue of slavery as the primary cause of the current state

It seems today that there is a true sense of lostness in the inner-city. The "Who am I" is not answered in a productive way. The abandonment of resources and flight to the suburbs gets interpreted as a continuation of prejudice. I believe it is more fear motivated and most suburbanites are concerned for their families. The media feeds the fear frenzy and although the race-based hatred may have subsided considerably, the polarization seems very similar. The end result does not look terribly different than the 1950's.

It seems that there is a great need for a redefinition of urban culture. The gangsta culture continues the cycle of tribal violence, abuse, power battles, turf wars, slaver, and the like. It is not a quality answer to the question. It leaves a message of live for the day, live for the dollar.

I wish I had a clear answer to fix the disparity and desperate need in American inner-cities. I feel like an outsider looking in, little qualified to serve as more than a voice. I hope that some day soon a movement emerges from within that creates a new culture that embraces the past but guides the future toward some noble goal.

Just pretend this is scrolling across the bottom of the screen

2007-12-16T20:58:00.001-06:00

An abbreviated update, brought to you care of a guilty blogging conscience.

- Finished Exams (still icing my elbow from all the essays)
- Change Career Paths and Employers (Happy UnitedWay, Sad OfficeMax)
- Went Skiing with my sweetie (She's a mad freestyler)
- Celebrated Anniversary (and conveniently Diversity Weekend at the same time - Thanks Eureka Springs)
- Survived Thanksgiving (And was held hostage by food in South Dakota)
- Went to Multiple Christmas Parties (You can pretty much put chocolate or cheese on anything and call it an appetizer)
- Wrote too many papers and presented ideas that will never be implemented
- Tried not to let boredom lead to insanity in two snowed in weekends
- Finished Christmas Shopping (so stop sweet talking me)

Merry Christmas to all!

toil

2007-11-20T14:53:00.000-06:00

blinded by the ease of finding purpose in our task, we knew not what it was to give and see no connection to sustaining beauty, the vibrancy of giving our life for life.

having left the garden kissed by the terrestrial curse, mechanically we cog in this elaborate production - to imagine, there was a time when it was unknown to feel pointless, superfluous, obligatory, or accidental.

never was there the consequence of lifting our aching joints before a blistering sun, to watch our precious seed scatter in the wind, wondering, questioning... which of these will fight its way into the soil, endure the darkness, to reappear alive?

the wasted seed, those moments never harvested, will die and without the slightest sound, bow and slip into forgetfulness. it is tragic that this is the way of things under the sun, to accept that so much life is given to the ground, and time, as the judge, chooses which returns.

Round and Round We Go

2007-11-18T12:36:00.001-06:00

Completed first year of marriage
$563 in restaurant bills, $154 in blockbuster rentals, and $402 in trips together

Finished two more semesters of master's program
$6003 in tuition, $438 in books, and $35 in a stupid parking ticket

Remodeled and put house on market
$9,325 in supplies and $324 in medical bills due to self-inflicted injuries

Still loving each other a year later and looking forward to trying another
Priceless

Power & Light - Shiny, Edible, City Candy

2007-11-08T09:23:00.000-06:00

This past Tuesday I was invited to attend a commercial real estate developer's workshop focused on the plans for Kansas City's new downtown district. It is being pushed through by Cordish (just google them and the word "live" - seems like they have to add it to almost all of their projects somewhere). I was able to hear some new developments in the tax credits market and some predictions from experts on where they see it going in the next decade. Funding for development projects likes to move and change every 5-10 years just so you have to keep chasing it. It's a game the Feds and states like to play.

Anyway, the project itself is quite attractive. There will be entertainment and shopping year round, the hope being to establish the downtown as a destination site for locals and tourists alike. Having observed the airbrushed photos and simulations, I walked away a bit troubled when I thought about the big picture. Cordish has argued that they are deserving of huge tax subsidies (TIF, new markets tax credits, historical tax credits, a new one cent tax CID, and more - millions of dollars), particularly because they believe that they will bring in more money in sales tax and property tax over the next 15 - 20 years to justify it. It's a risk, but fairly like to succeed if the current administration does not abandon the downtown entirely (there's sort of a pendulum action going on due to the obsession of the last administration).

However, at the end of the day, they are basically just setting up a new distribution source for goods, services, and entertainment. The point that they argue is that it will bring more money into the city. My problem with the argument is that it assumes that the entertainment budget of the surrounding communities will increase with the advent of this new shopping experience. More likely, it will mean that money from the burbs and from other destinations like Vegas, will not receive as much $ from Midwesterners, and some of it will be redistributed to the Kansas City downtown. From a macro perspective, I do not believe there will be any true net gain, just a redistribution of disposable income.

The other major issue that I did not hear a solid answer for is where is the workforce coming from. According to Cordish, there will be 3000 new "jobs created". Well, we all know how much retail and food service jobs pay, so it is questionable if you can really call those "jobs" a benefit to the city as a whole. It's not a new industry, just more low paying jobs. Beyond that, where are they going to find 3000 people who are willing to deal with the poor public transportation, parking fees, and traffic headache to work these low paying jobs? Are people going to bus in from the inner-city areas to work at trendy restaurants? I know Cordish believes they will. I just cannot see that happening with the current routes offered by the KCATA. If the light rail (new light street car plan - there was an excellent KC Star article on it) passes, that would be about 3 years away from being completed. I do not think that Cordish can wait the three years for their workforce to appear.

All in all, I just struggle with the excitement and buzz around projects like this. It seems that these just provide a temporary anchor in cities for sales tax and property tax. The life of most retail developments is fifteen years. Hence, all the abandoned mega-malls from the 80's. In fifteen years, we'll be looking for another retail development. In the meantime, education, crime, and good land-use (curbing the sprawl) seem to be much higher priorities to the long-term life of Kansas City. What if we looked to support the growth of new businesses and industries over strategies that temporarily redistribute funds?

It seems that education and employment are the lifeblood of our body, but we continue to focus on the new shiny jewelry we saw in some other city that we want. I am not against these kinds of projects, but I struggle with the blind excitement over more retail and entertainment. I know the goal is to generate more tax revenue to use for the critical issues, but I fear that we live cycling from one retail/development tax strategy to the next. Will we ever get to the issues that make the city livable? Will we have an educated workforce and jobs for them here? If not, I don't know that creating more Uber-Gap Stores and Older than Old Navy's are the answer.

One Year and Hope

2007-11-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

I will post a bit more later regarding our anniversary, but we are rapidly approaching the one-year married mark. The last year, to me, is a testimony of redemption. Several years ago, I was in the midst of a very dark season of my life, having lost hope of life ever being joyous again. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it is truthful to the emotion of those moments. I know now that my perspective at that season was too temporal and self-focused, but when someone is walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, it is easy to lose sight of what could be beyond that valley. When all you hold are a handful of broken pieces, it is hard to imagine how your life could come back together again. A year ago, I wrote about redemption I had seen in my life. Now, almost a year later I can continue to share that there is hope for the hopeless, for those who feel lost, broken, rejected, and shattered on the torrents of life.

A year down the road, I celebrate the growth, the joy, the friendship, and accomplishment of time well spent. On a personal note, much of this is due to my beautiful friend and wife. Not to discount our hard work to support each other and resolve conflict, the last year has been far sweeter and easier than I could have imagined. We have done so much in a year, and despite a thousand places where our love could have gotten off-track, we are celebrating a wonderful year together. Our first year of marriage has far exceeded my expectations. It makes me anticipate what a marriage could grow to be over the years. In a culture where marriage has taken on such a negative stigma, I am delighted to have a different story to tell, a different hope to bring.

In this season I am especially grateful to my Heavenly Father. I know that apart from the good things He has poured into our life, I would not be here to share my happy story. I do not want to overspiritualize, but I cannot say it strong enough that God has been my source of redemption. I cannot credit the change to my great ideas or stubbornness to hold on. Truly, there is a reason to hope for the future, to trust in Him despite the difficulty of the moment, and to lean on Him when you cannot bear it all yourself.

Cheers.

The Hobbes-O-Lantern

2007-10-26T23:15:00.001-05:00

In honor of my favorite imaginary friend and Bill Watterson's fantastic stories.

Trumpity, trump, trump & the normacles

2007-10-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

This one goes out to the radical visionaries, the spiritual dreamers, the charismatic warriors - If that is not you, then this may make little sense. You may want to pass on this one and go look at recipes for pumpkins or check the baseball score. If you continue, well, you may still want to read up on pumpkin recipes. It's a highly versatile fru-vega-squash.

As a believer, I agree that God has the right and ability to demonstrate his love or power over creation any way He chooses. I believe and have witnessed a handful of events that I can only attribute to supernatural intervention.

Thus, my belief in this would squarely place me in the Spirit-filled, Charismatic, Pentecostal camp. As I have seen, there seems to be a core strategy of many also in this group:

1) Pray and ask God what He wants to do with ________ (insert applicable, i.e. my life, my future, my city, my country, my family, etc).

2) Wait/continue praying until you have an answer.

3) When you get an answer, begin casting vision for it.

4) Develop a cycle/strategy of prayer to reinforce the answer.

5) Continue praying until the thing God revealed to you is miraculously answered.

6) Recast the vision as necessary, specifically if you are discouraged about the lack of visible progress.

7) Rinse and repeat.

I am not in any way against prayer or doubt that God speaks to people (personally, through the Bible, through experience, etc). The struggle I have with this strategy is the utter dependence on the miraculous. Isn't that why they're called miracles, not normacles? Personally, I have attended vision conferences and massive prayer meetings devoted to pushing forth some redeemable vision (i.e. rehabilitating the addicted, alleviating poverty, mentoring youth, improving the city, etc.). Frequently, I have heard vision cast, observed the swell of zeal, and watched as the result is the creation of more prayer meetings and conferences. Though, far too infrequently, I have struggled to observe the same people who are pumped up from the vision casting, then go out and devote their lives to getting a teaching certificate and working in the school system, or running for city council, or volunteering for a local food pantry, or learning how to train up entrepreneurs in the urban core, or what have you. It appears that we have one really good trump card to play, "Pray for Supernatural Intervention".

On a purely financial level, religious institutions in America have more money flowing into them as a group than any other kind of nonprofit. I know churches cannot provide an answer for everything. But shouldn't churches try to provide a few practical answers for their community's needs? I know many do, but the sheer volume of money ($96.8 Billion in 2006 in America - 32.8% of all nonprofit donations) and potential volunteer hours that could be funneled through a church to a community is staggering.

Here is what I would love to see.If people feel personally challenged by a vision to help in some way, do not stop at prayer for that vision. Be willing to devote time to equip and educate yourself to do the thing that you are zealous enough to pray over. Take steps toward making that vision a reality, even if it is a multi-year, multi-decade vision. If you get a miraculous answer, then celebrate, but if not, then you will be much further down the road to making that vision a reality. Be willing to sacrifice to flesh out your God-given passion. A miraculous answer may happen instantaneously, but the other normacle answers may require significant time, devotion, and responsibility. For some, continuing a cycle of prayer may be a hyper-religious substitute for actually sacrificing to attain the goal. It's not my place to judge which is which, but it is worth asking yourself the question. What if this generation decided that they would have a dual-focus of prayer matched with devotion to living out their goals? What if we understood that there was always the opportunity for miracles, but that there was also the 20-year plan we were working towards?

On a personal level, I do not need more vision casting. I do not need to hear more people talking about reaching out to abandoned youth, the poor, or impoverished nations. I need to actually take steps to do the things I am passionate for, to skillfully use resources and time toward reaching the goals I hold dear. My piece in things may not be overly glamorous, but I want to find where I can contribute with my life and start the process. It's my hope that I am not a lone voice, but that many of my peers are wrestling with the same decisions and coming to the same conclusion. We cannot stop at being excellent visionaries and prayer warriors. We need to be doers, and not hearers only.

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." (James 1:22-25)

False Consciousness

2007-10-17T09:01:00.000-05:00

In one of my policy courses we have been studying a Marxist criticism of Capitalism. The concept of false consciousness is the backbone argument as to why Marxists would contend that capitalists just simply except capitalism at face value, and more specifically the fact that capitalism always creates haves & have-nots. Another inevitability of capitalism is the development of the owning class, the top of the pyramid that feeds off the labor of others without their consent. Essentially, Marxists argue that the reason capitalists except the huge divide between the owning and working class, all while the working class continues to work to support the power of wealth of the owning class, is ultimately due to their blindness to their situation. False consciousness is the acceptance and act of support of the elite, and more particularly these are choices that may negatively impact the masses and benefit the elite. Keep in mind, by definition, the masses are unaware, or at least blindly supportive of the power of the elite.

Fundamentally, we all absorb certain truths and half-truths because of our environment. I think it is particularly powerful to understand that the things we support in ruling our lives, may be specifically requiring us to give in a way that is detrimental to us while being beneficial to securing the power of this ruling force. I do not believe that the Marxists are too far off on this point.

Much of my working life has been given to support owners or stockholders I will never meet. Many have given significant portions of their income to support purveyors of tobacco. Their dance of marketing their product while trying to appear supportive of the health and well-being of the general public is a world-class act of irony. Much of the media spins a story or a perspective that the public eagerly devours for the sake of perpetuating paranoia, or the power of a prejudice. The local news coverage here is easily the worst of any metropolitan area I have ever lived in. 80% of the coverage is targeted to herald the sordid, squalid acts in specific inner-city corridors, perpetuating the bias, fear, and continued investment in an ever increasing suburb. Many of means blindly support this with their choice of housing, purchases, and employment, all while moving the city closer and closer to a state of bankruptcy and perpetuating the lack of opportunity available to those in the urban core (you can hardly call it a core when it is square mile after square mile of the old city).

Why do we blindly accept so much? I do not desire to pretend that I am fully aware of my contribution to perpetuating a system that takes advantage of the bulk of humanity. I know it is much easier to shop at a department store in a suburb than to try to find what you want in a family five and dime. But we have become a culture of nomadic consumers who move our cookie cutter houses to where we can get what we want like we want it, now. All the while we may be condemning countless masses who lack the financial prowess and opportunity to live the same mobile lives, to a pattern of hunting new ways to gain access to basic things like education, health care, and shopping.

This is but a small example of the power of living blind to the impact of our choices. Where we bow a knee to the power of wealth, entertainment, materialism, and escapism we may reinforce a ruling circle of powers that may use our efforts to hurt the lives of those we know or those we do not yet know. Ask the children of a workaholic what they want more. Ask the man recovering from a stress heart attack if the hectic pace of meeting demands of the stockholders was worth it. Ask the woman with emphysema if smoking was worth forfeiting the last fifteen years of her life and not meeting her grandchildren. Ask the porn addict if the "secret" pleasures outweighed the loss of respect of his wife and children.

At the end of the day, we all make our choices. As our patterns of living repeat themselves we cannot become blind to what we may be sacrificing for the sake of keeping a system in place for a group or idea that is not aimed at our best interest. Ask the question, "What am I doing with my life?" We do not have to be subversive of the system, but we each have the right to stop supporting a cycle that burns our lives and produces a byproduct of poison for the bulk of humanity (be it fear, racism, poverty, abuse, neglect, addiction, etc). We need to be conscious to the power of our choices. Otherwise the world that we create with our spent lives will not be the one we want to share with future generations. We all must start the awakening process somewhere, so do not be discouraged if only one or two things come to mind. Start the journey; ask the question; envision where the pattern of your current life will lead you and evaluate whether that is the end you truly desire.

Just do the stuff

2007-10-09T13:56:00.001-05:00

As of late, my thoughts have been swirling around my penchant for personal purpose. Specifically, I am getting older, and I am running out of excuses and training experiences. My master's degree should be complete in May. I feel it rushing at me. In recent years I have learned to husband my wife, care for finances, manage my personal life, and work a corporate job in order to pay the bills. In the back of my mind I have always told myself I am getting ready for "the thing" I am going to do with my life. I am sure that this is a fantasy a bit like the hunt to find "the one" you were destined to be with. As I wrap up the master's, I do not have many other educational routes to go to prepare myself for living the life I want to live, to give it for what I have deemed worthy. At some point, I will no longer be able to say I am in the preparation stage of life. I will look down at my feet and go, well, here I am. I guess this is what I am doing with my life.

For many, feeling some sense of purpose beyond career and family is an alien sensation. They are marvelously content living life, surviving, learning, loving, reproducing who they are in a child, savoring their moment, and growing old. I wish I could group myself with them. I feel like the oddball, the ridiculous dreamer, not discontent with life, but wanting something beyond the words I currently have available to me.

I am not sure how to maintain my free agent "dreamer" status and play the game. I will be spending my life, clearly, and irrevocably on the life I choose to accept. Most of what I have in my life I feel deeply grateful for, the company of a extraordinary wife, the reckless love of God, a personal life of strength and vulnerability, beautiful family on both sides, and the freedom to have this dialogue/ monologue/ blogging to myself moment. So it is not out of a list of regrets I feel compelled to walk in this crisis moment.

I want to do the stuff. I want to be able to look at a moment and recognize that I was made for that moment and the moment for me. A significant portion of my life feels like a middle school square dance. Someone up front is calling the moves and either you jump in, no matter how awkward you look, or you sit on the side and sip punch and talk about how silly the other dancers look.

It is not pride but a sense of personal obligation and responsibility I feel. I have been given much. I know there is strength inside of me to share with others. I just have so few outlets for it, juggling school and work. Though, as I said before, a defining moment is approaching where I either can say I am doing the stuff, or I am just another dreamer, another passionate cry from the sidelines for change, but ultimately lost in the tide of opinions.

Perhaps it is my youth, or my age, but I still believe that people can make a difference in their communities. I hope to be one of those who does something. I do not need it to make headline news or make me rich. I just want to do something that does not get erased with each quarter's stock projection or the turning of a new semester. I want to be willing to attempt something bigger than my fear for failure would dictate. But most of all, simply, I want to be a person who does what I talk about.

Seriously, stop whining...

2007-10-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, this one is a bit of a rant. I recognize that. So, yeah... you will all just have to deal with it.

On the way into work today I was rocking it NPR-style, listening to world news. One of the days' stories was about a woman who was protesting that her underwire bra set off a metal detector at a local courthouse. The guards would not let her walk past their station to the bathroom to remove it, so she had her husband make a jacket shield for her and she removed it. Now she wants an official apology. I can understand that this was embarrassing. No one would want this. However, if someone had passed through with a personal explosive, we all would have said that the guards should have been more restrictive. There could have had a serious set of long-lasting consequences if it have gone really wrong.

Overall, this is a relatively minor issue. And to this lady's credit, she has not yet announced that she is filing suit against the guards and the county. I do not necessarily find this particular issue worth making a stink over, but I am regularly apalled at the use of law suits (in the MILLIONS of dollars) and the media to highlight and exploit emotional trauma and difficulty. It seems that many think that they deserve national attention when they are wronged. I find this particularly appalling when many of these "national" issues are such relatively minor issues. It makes you want to shake a person and ask if they have a non-self-absorbed bone in their body. Our country is at war. Our inner-city communities are dying due to continued discrimation and policy. Education is struggling to hold on. The building block of community, the family, seems so fragile, with rampant divorce, drug abuse, domestic violence, and estranged children. Turn your eyes to the world, and there are thousands of atrocities to be appalled over that deserve national attention.

It is amazing that in all of our social sensitivity training that the end product has been a bunch of whiners that cannot get over the negative events in their lives and cannot choose to take responsibilty to change things for the better. We seem to have medical answers for every psychological problem today. There was a day when people dealt with extreme tragedy and did not have access to mood elevators and a diagnosis to pull it together and move on with their lives. I am not saying that there is not a place for psychiatry. Rather, I protest that we have abused the science for the sake of creating a culture of victimhood and for the sake of increasing the dollars in our pockets, the doctors' pockets, and the pharm producers' pockets. Victimhood is all about continuing the cycle of money.

I have sat in on counseling sessions with people who have had legitimate tragedy in their life, supported them in praying through their past, and rejoiced as they moved on to a healthier, happier form of living. I have watched God heal people in amazing ways. So my question is this, would the same people who are demanding $2 Million for their emotional trauma be willing to donate $2 Million to a charity or the church if they were able to find healing and freedom from their past experience? Is that what their healing is worth to them? Or is this again about perpetuating the business of victimhood? The news needs something controversial to report. These people need an excuse to not be able to move on with their old life. Since they obviously cannot, they might as well get enough money to live comfortably without the need to work again. Who in their right mind can file these suits with a clean conscience, and why does the American public allow it and even support it?

Seriously people, we need to grow up and take responsibilty for our lives, no matter who messed with us in our past. No one is going to take responsibility to fix you but you. Even if you can get money for the trauma, what will that do for you in the long run? Of course there are legitimate times when a law suit should be brought, but we have created a culture of paranoia and victimhood. The media supports it because it somehow gets spun that we are progressive and sensitive, when instead this is like a twisted version of playing the lottery at the expense of our neighbors. Sure, we will be their friend up until the moment we realize they did something we might be able to sue for and rake in the money. This is sick. It is the entire opposite of being progressive and sensitive. We are willing to hold good people at an arms distance all for the sake of seeing how much money we can shake out of them, or their insurance.

Do you want to know why the spirit of American community is dying? Why do people rarely spend time conversing on porches, sharing meals with neighbors, and caring for each other's lives? We burned those bridges for the sake of convenience, personal comfort, and money. We destroyed the foundation for trust and commonality. We stopped giving each other the benefit of the doubt. We decided that while forgiveness may be free, the consequence of a failure should be more money than someone can make in their lifetime.

Seriously now, stop whining... Yes, you were mistreated. Yes, you have a right to have hurt feelings. Now it is up to you to forgive and take responsibilty to not let that experience define who you will be for the rest of your life.

Meaningless or Precious - a bike marks the spot

2007-09-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

""Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?

Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.

The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.

The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.

All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.

All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow." (Ecclesiastes 1:2-11)

For the last few weeks, I have revisited this passage in my thoughts and prayer time. Written by Solomon near the end of his life, it, along with Proverbs, is meant to bring a perspective granted by a lifetime of wisdom and experience. This particular passage is not tepid with bright and cheery bathroom reading quotes (and we all know we need more Vegetable Beef Soup for the Soul, Deep Moments Sitting on the Can edition). It conjures up images of an older man grabbing his zealous son by the shoulders and looking him in the eyes, hoping to pass on a value system that embraces more than the moment you live in. It is shocking in its breadth. It is not a "Don't smoke or go out with girls that do" or "Do as I say not as I do" message. This is gritty, raw, vivid.

After reading this, you are forced to ask the question, "If everything is meaningless, then what is valuable and significant in life?" If life feeds back into itself, and my moment on this earth will come to an end and feed into someone else's beginning, what does that mean about the significance of my life?

Solomon ends his cheery dissertation with this:

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)

The redemption to this closing statement is hidden for a few thousands of years until one of Solomon's descendants brings the punchline to his closing thought. It was here that Jesus, the man raised in Nazareth, said:

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21)
So my prayer and thoughts today have been, "What is this treasure that is stored up in heaven? What will have value beyond this life? What is truly significant?"

We are granted an undetermined moment to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide on this sphere. On my way out to work today, I passed a bent bike, chained to a fence, on a busy corner. It would be quite easy to overlook. I have noticed it a few times, but never stopped to really look at it. It had been spray painted white and was lined with a few garlands of fake flowers and greenery. Hanging from the handlebars was a simple handwritten sign that simply said, "A Man Who Was Loved by Many, Died Here".

In my community, this man most likely lived below the poverty line. I may have passed him several times over the last 6 years. He probably rode the bike because he either lacked the money for the bus or a personal car, or he had DUIed his way out of a legal license. My community is majoritally minorities, which seems like an oxymoron. Either way, this man would have been overlooked by me and most passing him, as he rode his bike along the sidewalk. But, he was not overlooked by someone. He was loved, though now he is silent, at some moment he was an active part of several others' lives.

What was his mark? Who was he? Did he store up treasure in heaven, a life exchanged for those things held precious to God? Or as the bike rusts and someone from the city cuts the chain and removes it from public property, is that the end of his story?

On this planet, we have deemed certain combinations of molecules to be unique, rare, and having value. The gold standard is traded worldwide. Every woman in America expects a shiny lump of carbon as a token of marriage. When I lived in Papua New Guinea, the Kina shell was the original form of currency, and as they adopted a paper money standard, it was named after these shells. Is it the rarity of an item that makes it valuable or is it the item's intrinsic properties or sentimental value? Either way, we have designated certain materials as holding unique value.

My question is this, "What is heavenly treasure? What are the things deemed as unique, rare, and holding precious quality by God?"

Is it a moment of sacrifice or a lifetime of love? Is it a life that reflects the glory and character of God? When our lives are tallied, as Solomon mentioned, what will be tagged as being exceedingly valuable? I will close this with a passage from 2 Corinthians about transformation, but also about reflecting value. I believe this to be the start of an answer, a first clue on a map to a treasure hunt.

“But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” (2 Corinthians 3:16-18)

Survival of the Fittest

2007-09-12T14:33:00.000-05:00

Well, if you can't tell, my blogging falls off the radar when I am busy or stressed. Actually, it's not just the blogging. My emotional self takes a sabbatical in some desert until I have time to process my feelings. Thus my creativity and desire to express anything meaningful take a break. It is not simply that I lack the time, it is more that the first thing to go when I am stressed is my sense of freedom and desire to be creative and expressive. In those few years I spent rummaging my way through a tunnel, my desire to express myself creatively disappeared for months at a time. I could tell I was changing, or rather thawing, when I wanted to listen to music, learn to dance, and picked up my guitar and started writing again.

So the latest thing running round my noggin that may be interesting to the world at large, or possibly just to me, has to do with something I am seeing all around me. People all around me race around, all caught up with one primary focus, survival. Whether it is survival of their employment, the business they work for, the community they live in, or simply their own base needs, people are consumed with just making it. I am enrolled in a master's program that is filled with people with fairly altruistic desires. They work to preserve communities, provide affordable health care, contribute to education, fight for human rights, and further their religious passions. As I was driving the other day, it just hit me that the common denominator for most of the people I know is the belief that the world is deteriorating in front of them. Either they choose to invest their lives in some noble way to preserve the life of whatever they hold dear, or they give up and devote themselves to luxurious hobbies, elaborate entertainment, or abandonment of responsibility entirely.

Strive, strive, strive (or quit, quit, quit).... that's the message I see written on the faces of so many. Either we hold it together, or abandon our desires for what we once wanted. Responsibility is a good thing. Striving out of fear of death, loss, rejection, failure seems to be a miserable fuel to burn to motivate sacrifice.

In the same day I was meditating on this, I caught myself beginning my prayers this way, "God, I just need..." Not just once, but at least three times my default prayer intro was "God, I just need..." So, I am tired. I feel the strain of too many commitments. My heart has not rebounded from the last three weeks of surprises yet. I am not doing bad, just feeling the lack. What do I do? I start viewing God primarily in terms of what I need from Him, as my resource storehouse. Most of what I am asking for is only partly self-serving, but does that even matter? Do I have the right to dictate to God who He should be in my life at a moment just because I am tired or occasionally frustrated? I shift towards selfishness so easily when I am too busy. I have to reel in my heart and remind myself that my weariness does not have to change anything. It does not have to realign the way I relate to people around me, even if my emotions seem to react more suddenly and sharply to the currents of life.

It's addictive and sort of self-inflating - I AM DOING THIS TO SURVIVE (or "I am doing this so my community, church, business, or family survives"). Strive, strive, strive. Just because we feel demands on our time, resources, emotional energy, or personal capacity to hold it all together - it is an anti-climatic goal. It's not life-giving, but a continual cycle of drain.

I was talking to Sarah last night about my love of the Biblical illustrations Jesus used about farming and gardening. Sure most of his audience were shepherds, farmers, fishers, and manual labor workers.... but I like to think there is more there. The thing I love about trying to plant anything is this - all you do is create the environment for life to occur. Farmers depend on that life-cycle, and probably become quite blinded to the extraordinary level of dependency they have on that little seed doing its job. After a few wheat harvests under my belt, I would probably be the same way, but now as the guy who kills house plants with great consistency, it is still amazing to me.

So here is what I am thinking, there has to be a higher motivator to live than just survival. It takes a greater level of dependency on something we do not get to control, but what if our lives were deliberately given with a desire to create an environment for life to occur, for others, for our businesses, for our communities, for our families, with an underlying belief that destruction is not inevitable and all powerful. I can see how depression sets in if many people feel that the sum of most of their spent time is to toil to prevent destruction, especially when the toil does not seem to payoff. The end goal cannot be to just keep things going. Existence, though a gift, has to have some personally held significance beyond just being here tomorrow, in a family that is still intact, in a neighborhood that is still around, going to a job that is still there, at a business that is still in operation. The cycle of surviving long enough to grow old before you die does not seem to be worth the decades of investment.

What are you investing in that has a life of its own? It has to be something you cannot fully control, even if you wanted to, be it your family, friends, spiritual community, neighborhood, or business. It seems subtle, but giving to prevent the chaos of the world from swallowing all you hold dear versus choosing to give to them out of a desire to see those things take on a life of their own and grow is like switching from gasoline to jet fuel. One is fear-based and one is hope-based, but your actions may not look all that different. Though (cool factoid here), your ability to hold joy and peace in the midst of difficulty is entirely different based on what drives you.

Every season, turn, turn, turn.... dang, I'm dizzy

2007-08-27T09:13:00.000-05:00

In the next few months we have a couple things coming up that seem like they have been forever coming, but never arriving. This past weekend we met with our real estate agent and schedule the listing of our house, our open house, and signed some paper work. I have been working on our house for about three years now, and it looks like we are finally close to trying to sell it. In May, I should finish my Master's degree. I will walk out with a Master's in Public Administration, one master's certificate in nonprofit fundraising and another in community economic development. These hurdles have seemed so slow in coming, but we are almost there.

Lately I have had some reoccurring dreams about bringing closure to the past, shutting some old doors permanently. I think all this work is a sign of what I am really looking for: a good end. On one hand, it is incredibly exciting to bring a close to one season, on the other, it's a wee bit terrifying to have to know what the next season is and where it should take place. I traverse the space between these places in my mind about every other hour. Closure on the past, anticipating the future...

The weather today is crisp, clear... the kind of day that makes you feel alive. As the brutal summer starts to come to a close, I look forward to the cool of autumn, to a new season.

The Eye of The Hurricane

2007-08-24T10:54:00.000-05:00

Lately life has been swirling ridiculously fast around Sarah and I. It feels like we were busy before, but the in the last two weeks our load has about doubled. School starting back and Sarah has been putting in some significant overtime. My school started back and this is easily going to be the heaviest workload semester I have had. We are nearing completion of the final projects on the house. Drama has randomly appeared in our small group, which has pretty consistently been a source of life and great joy for us, but now is requiring emotional energy and time to work through some issues. It's just a bump in the road, but a surprise nonetheless. We have been meeting with real estate agents on the house. I spent the morning with a nonprofit organization that I am assembling a series of fundraising documents for. Work for me has been fine, and thankfully less demanding during the last two weeks. This list is just the broad list of items, but the details of it all seem more demanding than we have time or energy for.

I guess when I look at the list, I expect I that should be overwhelmed, depressed, stressed, or angry. Right? That's what you do when life is asking more than you think you can give. But, I have to say that I feel peaceful, content, and mostly hopeful about it all. I expect myself to be irritable and self-absorbed... I just feel at peace. And I don't really think I have done anything different than I normally do.

So my prayers over the past two weeks have been about asking God for grace, but also thanking Him for the peace in the midst of the storm. I wish I had something to point to and say, "This is what makes it different this time." But I don't really. I am semi-exhausted, but really at peace with the whole situation. All I can really say is ,"Thank you God". I do not deserve it, but feel deeply blessed by it.

Too Drunk to Get the Fish Drunk

2007-08-18T13:55:00.000-05:00

From the Times Online : 25 Stupid Laws around the World

Enjoy.

25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

washing words

2007-08-09T17:19:00.000-05:00

my back is wrenched for the weight i carry. at times i forget it. at times i remove it. at times it wears through my thin cotton shirt, an articulate reminder of the placement and number of my ribs. most the time i smile as i move, sometimes doing an impromptu dance or stopping to tickle the unsuspecting person next to me. though today the weight of the should's, could's, shouldn't have's, and want to's all seem a bit to much for my shoulders. they burn from carrying so much in my heart and head, and not finding a peaceful way to release them. i want to turn around and find it all done.

i feel cautiously reckless as I strain to hike up this mountain, densely wooded and slippery with moss and loose gravel. i want to run, but moving so fast would kick my feet out from under me, and possibly move me further from the edge. i don't quite know what is on the other side. i just know it's different from where i've been. the weight and the slow, sometimes counter-productive steps gnaw at my will to keep moving, to travel to a place that i don't even know yet. it would be so much easier to setup camp and stop here, t0 halt and bury my desire to see the new horizon peek at me over the edge. but i know i want to know what i want. what is beyond the ridge? even though at the moment all i see and feel is so viscerally close, i don't want to forever be near-sighted, tasting the dirt i claw through. i want to keep moving, even though it is slower, longer, harder, and asking more that i thought i would need to sacrifice on this side of the mountain.

Busy Blogger but Content Cuddler

2007-08-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

Alas, I have been a busy boy lately. I have had to travel frequently for work, spent much of my spare moments remodeling the house (almost done now), and have been gearing up for my school to start back.

Here's a hodgepodge list of things Sarah and I have been doing:

- We counted a record number of raisin wrinkles in our hands after spending a day grouting tile.

- We traveled to Omaha for work and to visit Sarah's best sister where we had fish tacos and saw the Simpsons Movie.

- Weddings, weddings, weddings... both ones we attended and forgot to attend or at least forgot to attend on the correct day that they occurred...

- Sarah started back up at her job preparing for the next school year by handing out supplies and participating in meetings while eating Chinese.

- Brice, Anna, & Cole roadtripped to Kansas City to challenge us to putt putt and a Ben 10 trivia night

- We missed each other while I spent two days in St Louis training at a facility that made me feel like I was presenting at the U.N..

- We nervously awaited for my department's announcement that I was not on the short list of layoffs.

- Jean proved yet again that mother-in-laws are difficult to deal with, as she drove to my house while I was traveling, brought homemade food and cleaning supplies, and spent a day cleaning windows with Sarah on our 100 year old house. Do you see what I put up with?

- We dropped our oh-so restrictive roadrunner cable for a month to month DSL. Take that you stupid $250 contract breaking penalty.

- We had a separate Boys & Girls night with our small groupers. The boys shared beer, buffalo wings, and Bourne. The girls exposed their deepest thoughts about their respective marriages and planned out the next two years for their boys.

- Sarah met up with her college romates and friends in Wichitawwww.

- We warmed the house of the Swartwoods and Maverick the powerful peeing puppy.

- Shar was surprised as we yelled surprise at her surprise birthday party. Happy surprise 30th. I hope it was as good as the real one. SURPRISE!!

- At Shar's party I spent some time with my other girlfriend, Kiersten. It's fun being one of her favorite people.

- We planned, replanned, and deplanned the next two years of our life and realized that we (a.k.a. Josh) still want to go to Europe for at least a month, prior to all that baby-making/raising nonsense.

- We ate good food on many occasions, and realized that the great eraser for all the busyness is a good evening spent cuddling on the couch together.

Beautiful People in Crappy Bodies

2007-07-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

Treasures hidden in vessels of clay... I think that is the scriptural description, but I think the beautiful people in crappy bodies is a bit more accurate. At the particular moment, I am frustrated/concerned that a couple I really care about are both physically struggling to make it right now. One is in the hospital, and the other is in feeling pretty horrible, recouping from her own physical struggles, and keeping a watchful eye over her husband as he recovers. All you praying people, please lift up the Johnsons as you think about them. They are precious people, far more considerate and hospitable than me. I hope to one day be as good as they are at showing hospitality. We are praying for you Johnsons. Get well soon!

Finding Your X

2007-07-17T10:03:00.001-05:00

More often than not, many of us encounter moments when we realize that we are not enough to overcome some lack in our life. Sometimes we are looking for a miraculous answer to prayer. Other times we are looking to see some character flaw be washed away, easily. Still, most of the time, I believe that majority of us run in repeatingly destructive or futile loops. Unaware, we daily interact in relationships deeply wanting something intanglible that is not spoken outwardly as a need or desire. We all want X.

When that silent personal desire is not met, we react predictably, repeating the same words, tone, or actions we have used in the past to cope with these unmet expectations. This protective stance provides our tender spots with a false sense of safety, soul camouflage. Once protected, we feel safe, or justified, or numb, or whatever it is we believe brings a sense of control and security.

Some become self-righteous, hiding behind biting (albeit blind to personal weakness) criticism of those nearest them. Others check out of life with a hobby, a bottle, a vacation, a tv, or some other substance or activity that serves to numb them to the emptyness of the moment. And still others perform, in work, religion, social justice, or serving their loved ones to stack up a list of actions that demonstrates their value, despite the fact that they feel that their expectations are unmet.

In general, we have developed sophisticated protective mechanisms to hide our fear that our needs will not get met, and many of those deeper needs are not the ones that come immediately to mind. Where we may have a deep desire for others to demonstrate that we warrant respect, our actions may be to take a stand in a relationship for something we want... the intensity behind our words and actions may well seem ridiculous when we step away from the moment, but seem justified at the time.

Whatever it is that we are afraid we will lose or never obtain will drive us until that need or want is surrendered. It is only when we give up our rights to demand it, expect it, or manipulate a situation to have it, that we find freedom from the dance of desire. Jesus beautifully painted the picture with his life for all of eternity to look at with wonder:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” - (Phillipians 2:3-8)

As God, Jesus chose to lay down the treatment he could have rightfully demanded, for the sake of bridging the gap between God and man. I find, that more often than not, the things that I want the deepest (i.e. respect, fulfillment, a sense of significance, adventure, passionate living, infectious joy, etc), also provide a temptation to obtain them on my terms, protecting my interests. For most of us, we develop subversive ways to get what we really want while minimally exposing ourselves to risk: risk of rejection, risk of failure, risk of being met with criticism, risk of being lonely, risk of the one we love not loving back, etc.

We reach for the stars with selfish arms and rarely pull back enough surplus love and value to meet our desires, which further reinforces our fear that there is a limited supply of X. Since there is not enough to go around, we fight to grab what we can or numb our desire for it. Little do we realize that all our fears act like stacks of elaborate filters. Where there may have been a gallon of X poured in, all of our internal checks and balances neutralized all but an ounce of what was poured in. Just a few drops trickle through to us in the end.

So, we question the love of others around us. Do they really care? Am I really happy with my life? And the cycle reinforces itself. We fear we may not find the thing we want to confirm our personal value, our X. So we place more filters or more fillers in our life, none of them bringing enough of what we want and leaving us feeling deeply dissatisfied.

In the book of Matthew (16:24 - 26), Jesus is quoted as saying this:

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?”

It seems that when we fight to hoard our life to protect our supply of value, we cut ourselves off from the life and fulfillment that we truly desire. Fear restricts us to the few drops of X that fall through our filters. But living to give away your life and your supply of life, love, joy, passion for the sake of God and others opens you up to a deeper well of resource, of one not restricted by filters of fear and selfish demands. What an amazing paradox!

What to do with our life

2007-07-11T09:54:00.000-05:00

For those of you who keep Sarah and I in your hearts and prayers, I thought I would share my burden of late. I am struggling to find what it is that is the next big step for our family. I have one year until I have completed my master's degree. At that point, we have many potential "select-a-quest" options to choose.

1) New career??? - I recently found out that my company will be again restructuring my department which may mean that I need to find a new career quickly. It is entirely up in the air right now. Additionally, my education is in a different direction than my current career is going.

2) New home??? - We are nearing completion of the remodeling projects on the home and are not sure if we should buy, rent, or live in a van down by the river.

3) New city??? - Do we want to settle in KC longer-term or relocate? We do not have some plan yet, but we should ask the question.

4) New family member??? - Nothing to report as of yet, but there is a fair likelihood that a mini-us with enter the picture in the not incredibly distant future.

5) New hobby??? - The least of my worries, yet I have so many interests and so little time....

I have tried the Magic 8 ball, and it is a little, lying round freak. The cat is not much help either.

As a husband and future father, I feel a tremendous burden to make decisions to protect my family. I also do not want to make decisions based on what I am fearful may happen. So on a daily basis I feel a bit like a man who is channel surfing in the back of my mind, and I keep coming to different versions of C-SPAN. It's stressful, complicated, and there are not a lot of easy answers.

So... hmmm... yep...

Weddings & the Wild

2007-07-02T15:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know I have not blogged for a while. I had a few deep moments, but then I saw something shiny on the walls and felt compelled to chase after it. Thus, my deeper thoughts about how we should all rectify our lives have remained unpublished. I hope that each of you have also survived the busy of summer and are also not weirdly sunburned in a pattern like an albino midget giraffe like me .

So, where have we been? Well, most recently, my little brother had a hitching party down in South Carolina. Amazingly, the bride was not related to my family in any way, or at least we can say that they met at college and not at a reunion. So, on June 24th Jared and Heather were married. Aren't they cute?

Little did they realize that their rehearsal dinner was about to be interrupted by the overly smiley annoying older brother.

Mmmm..... mmm..... is this corn handshucked? It's delicious!

And now to pics of the special day: Undeniable proof that they are happy together...

Performing my best guy duties, I handed the rings off with no hiccups. I know you were all worried. Sarah dressed in her swinging bridesmaid dress and we tore up a rug, or a patch of hardwood or something (i.e. we moved rhythmically). I do have to say that it was like 117 degrees that day, and we were all wearing black (minus the bride) while standing in the sun for an hour. So it is questionable whether being part of the "wedding party" was an honor bestowed on us or a secret plot to inflict revenge on the older brothers and sisters in the crowd. I can say that now, as a mature man, that all those wedgies were done in love and with the best of intentions to build your character, Jared. I hope you are mature enough to see that as well.

Smooches....
The ladies were lovely, and the men were sober. What more could you ask for at a wedding?

Following the wedding, the fam traversed to Asheville for some quality time to recover from the wedding events. Here we are exploring the WNC Nature Center. The otters are my favorite. Sarah and I discussed flooding our basement and creating an otter habitat. It was a brief discussion, but I think I made the main points well.

1) Otters are awesome.
2) Wouldn't it be really awesome if we had otters in our basement?
3) If the basement was flooded, you wouldn't have to do laundry anymore.

Later we met up with Jared and Heather and explored Pisgah National Forest. No, they did not honeymoon with us. They were down the hall two rooms (Just kidding). Here we are in front of Looking Glass Falls.

And here are the cute parents, also known as Dave & Diann.

I would like to say that we were all brave enough to swim in the 40 degree pounding falls, but alas, it was left to the Burton Boys, the future of a long line of infamous Burtons, to pioneer the freezing falls. We're the blue people behind the water.

We also went Whitewater Rafting at the Olympic training facility in Charlotte. The camera didn't want to go with us, so here's an overhead of it. We all have nice sunburned knees. Sarah, braved the water with us and is considering a career as a whitewater guide.

Here I am in Asheville practicing being a dad with our penguin baby at a toy store. Notice the baby doll penguin that our penguin is carrying. I remembered it. It's the details that get you.

Sarah had some trouble communicating with this North Carolina moose, as her moose dialect was learned in South Dakota. They never really understood one another, but the moose seemed polite.

Here we are reenacting the Native American mating ritual scene from "Dances with Wolves 3". It went straight to podcast and skipped the big screen, and DVD. Despite its low budget, many in the store were moved by our vivid portrayal of the inter-species love story. I don't want to spoil it for you, but the buffalo leaves the wolf in the end to attempt to make it on American Idol.

And finally, I want to say to all the detractors who say that the Carolinas are behind the times, I have undeniable proof that North Carolina has entered the 1960's. In our exploration of Brevard, we can now say without a doubt, that men and women can now see movies simultaneously. What an amazing time we live in!!

Reminiscent in Rubbermaid

2007-06-14T10:38:00.000-05:00

So we've been going through the basement of our house to clean it out before we sell it. About 2 years ago, I literally filled a dumpster with stuff I didn't want in the house any longer. Now I am going through less than 10 boxes and rubbermaid totes... And it is a mix of bittersweet reminders of life: old love letters from middle school girlfriends, baseball cards, shiny rocks collected from Haiti, watercolor paintings, cards from deceased relatives, photos of a past life, micro machines & original Transformers. I have condensed my 4 memory boxes to one now. It's just weird knowing that the last decade of memories of my life fit into one smallish container.

Some of those memories are vivid; some I struggle to recall. Many I remember feeling much more important at the time. Some are letters and memories of friends that left my life unintentionally, and some intentionally.

A decade in a small box.

It seems right to get rid of many of the things from people I will never see or know again, but hold on to some from precious past friends and relatives. In general, I am not a very reminiscent man. That's why God gave me my wife. She scrapbooks and storytells with the best of them. When I am planning big things for the future, she helps me treasure our past, which is one of the reasons I love her.

It just seems at some moments in life, even those who were once important, need to be rinsed from your thoughts and scrubbed from a place of prominence in your own view of your history. Very few people stand out as utterly significant in the bigger story: my family, a few close school friends, some college buds, a few kids who are not kids anymore that I used to mentor.

It always amazes me the seasonality of friendships. I struggle with knowing that most likely, you will say goodbye at some point, and it may be years or decades before you say hello again. You can question how genuine the relationship was, but that does not change the fact that people you love or struggle to be in the same room with, will walk in and out of your life.

I think that is why family is so different than most friends. They generally stick around. Theirs may not be the easiest friendships, but they are people that typically will be there next to you when the sky is falling. There are very few friends that choose to do the same. Those that do, are treasures in your life. Those enduring friendships may be as potentially awkward as family at moments, climaxing to yelling matches, name calling, and pillow fights - but forgiving one another and growing together on the other side is such a rare gift to find in a relationship.

From my perspective, a whole lot of making a longterm relationship work is just showing up. Those that continue to show up in your life, for better or worse, leave a lasting impression and create a place of shelter for you in the relationship. You have somewhere you can go and spill out the yuck of your bad day and party with like it's 1999 (or 1997 for Sarah's high school friends).

So I wonder what the next decade will hold. Who will I want to keep in that rubbermaid bin in another 10 years? I suppose that a series of munchkins will enter our life, who will probably take a prominent place in the scrapbook. I hope that the friendships and relationships I treasure today will be there in a decade for me to reminisce over then.

Growin up is hard to do

2007-06-11T17:49:00.000-05:00

This one goes out to all of you who have had a self-reflective moment and realized that you are not who you once were, but you do not remember how or why you changed. Currently, I am on a bit of a journey of trying to understand who I am at this moment, while at the same time wondering how I got here. The pace of life seems like it never quite allows space for you to realize the metamorphosis that is occurring somewhere behind your eyeballs and between your increasing bald spot and less attractive feet. Maybe we are just too close to the moment, and we live reacting and planning in the day, but not seeing the shifts of the sand on our shore. That seems to be the nature of life... Once we feel like we have good control of the story we were written in, the characters and scenery change and we find we are improvising our character to try to keep up.

So, for me, I have seen that my hope for the day, that lives and breaths in the excitement of this moment, seems to be taking a vacation for a bit. Instead I feel much more secure in my long-range scope planning, my eternal destiny, my starting retirement fund, my preparation for years not yet touching my calendar. I feel much less torment and worry about where I may be in twenty or fifty years. So, how the heck did that happen? Seriously?

However, somewhere in the meantime, I notice that the creative adventurer that has been me most of my life, has taken a backseat to the practical planner, and I haven't heard him yelling much from the backseat. I think that worries me. It's hard to simultaneously know that you feel more stable and happy than you have ever been, but still feel less alive. I feel like the things I am building with my life will be more durable and significant over the test of time, but I feel less passionately about them.

I do not believe that there necessarily has to be a trade off between passion and practicality. Maybe this is a quarter life crisis, though I don't feel compelled to buy motorcycles, get tattoos, or buy sailboats. I want to prevent or lessen the mid-life crisis, as it seems to be more regretful for most.

So, my question for the day is, how do I revitalize my passion for the moment and balance a mature, wise perspective that will let the dreamer in me live out the dreams it wants to create? It seems that people typically overreact to the pendulum, staying on one side for most of their lives: The artsy dreamers that may never get to live out anything they visualize, but instead live with their heads in the clouds - or the practical, controlling planners who orderly move toward their less risky goals. Occasionally, you meet people of real excellence who found a way to balance both and succeed at creating the dream they had.

I am hoping to find a peaceful place in my heart where both can live. So that's what is on my brain at the moment.

Painter's Helper

2007-05-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was a working weekend around our casa. Our friends Mike & Ashley came over and helped us touch up paint the interior and exterior trim. Yay friends! We worked late and grilled out burgers. Good weekend!

Rio, who had already obtained one short stripe earlier in the day from rubbing up against some wet trim, decided to help. In a roundabout way, he made his way around the indoors painters (Sarah & Ashley), trying to avoid their activity. In doing so, he again rubbed up against some wet trim. Sarah then yelled something like, "Oh no!!" Rio, being the coward that he is, decided the best plan of action was to halt his movement entirely and lay down where he was at. That way he would avoid getting in more trouble. It just so happened that he was standing next to Sarah's semi-full abandoned paint pan. Rio laid right down in it. So, I ran and grabbed him quickly. And as a reward for his "help", Rio earned himself a shower. He looked very grateful.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-11T08:27:00.000-05:00

So I know I am a bit early here, but I was afraid I would forget. Mother's Day celebrates the endurance of our mothers. It is a reminder to them, that they are one year further away from giving birth to you, and one year closer to being a grandmother and seeking revenge for all the pranks you pulled when you were eight. It is a sign that they have survived another year providing nurture and support to you and especially to your father. Mothers, like school teachers, are a bit like camels when it comes to praise and thanks. They may get three decent, "Thank you Mom"s a year. And yet they continue to tirelessly haul their kids to events, clean the house, or cook, clean, work, or whatever it is they do. Typically, they try in a thousand different ways to show their concern, some silent and some not-so-silent.

I remember a few different years that my Mother's day gift was a construction paper card, usually with some innocent stick-figure nature scene in the background, a nice crayon-line rainbow emblazoned across the front, and loving pictures of explosions, robots, and sayings like "Boys are awesome!" written oh, so tenderly inside. And with no access to fundage, I would sneak into my mom's closet where she had about 20 different varieties of perfumes and colognes in elaborate glass shapes like wagons and puppy dogs. These were the ones she never wore but had received as gifts from someone. Like a mad scientist, I would combine as many of these as possible to produce the perfect, new fragrance for my mother. I remember her smiling as she sniffed it, though I think Calvin Klein must have immediately purchased it from her, as it never reappeared after Mother's Day.

So, it is on this May's Mothers Day that I too, share my thanks to my mother. Thanks mom. Thanks for accepting my offerings of concocted perfume, mud men, and hyper-macho cards.

There is some statistic that says on average, mothers who give birth to and raise boys live one year shorter per boy than mothers who raise girls. My mom has raised two boys, my younger brother and myself. I think those two years were well earned in rushing us to the ER for stitches and slings, reaching back in the family minivan to threaten us into submission on long car trips, and fixing the randomly broken things in the house.

So in honor of being a mother to two sons, I wanted to post this video that my friend Mike showed me. If you are an older brother, younger brother, mother of boys or father of boys, this will bring back sweet memories. If it seems crass or idiotic, you probably were not from a home with two competing brothers.

Happy Mother's Day mom.

A Righteous Shindig

2007-04-30T21:55:00.000-05:00

Wow. You turn another year older, and it gives everyone an excuse to party. You get to enjoy wonderful cards, gifts, and food. And yet, all I really did was exist for another year. It appears that most the people in my life are so surprised by that (knowing my propensity to unintentionally harm myself when attempting simple household chores) that they decided to celebrate it. And so they throw a party.

Honestly, I think birthdays should take special consideration for mothers. Truthfully, and I know this is hard to believe, my mom put in almost all the work to get me enrolled in this birthday thing. I just sorta showed up then too. And despite my mother's hard work, I think I stole the show that day too. Something like "I was in labor with you for 24 hours!", rings in my head still when I leave my socks on the floor.

So, I had a three day birthday this year. That's the way to do them right. It started off with a Hawaiian themed Buffalo Wild Wings excursion with our fellow small groupers. We ate, drank, were merry, and played trivia. As the night wore on, the trivia must have gotten harder, because we did not do quite as well. Here are some of the smiling faces.

Yay us!

This is what Mike & Denise look like all the time. Seriously....
They bring their own party favors.

Talking to Ben & Leah is like alternating tv channels between an ESPN sportscast and Rachel Ray.

Ben & Amy are the subdued wild ones in the group. They have boring jobs like me, but have extreme hobbies and take exotic vacations. If there was a couple that I expected to be moonlighting as secret agents, it would be them.

Chad & Becky are the kind midwesterners that you hear about in the brochures about Missouri. Them is good people people.

Mike & Ashley get funnier as the night goes on because they start to keep score in almost anything. Pretty soon they are sabotaging one another when the other isn't looking in order to win.

And now, the zoo... Sarah and I met up with Karl and Jean in Topeka on Saturday. They (Jean) made a picnic lunch for everyone. We had a wonderful variety of salads, veggies, and pita. Do they know me or what? I showed up to unwrap presents and did my job with the skill of a 27-year veteran. We threw Frisbee well enough that no one was permanently injured. I had to jump a fence and Jean sacrificed her body to catch one. But we are all still here and in one piece, which is the sign of a successful Frisbee/Zoo outing. We had a beautiful day together, though we may have been the only adults there without a stream of screaming youngins behind us. Here are some pics of the big day.

Thanks everyone for a wonderful birthday!

humans anonymous

2007-04-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

okay, i am posting another entry that is more questions than answers. i guess this blog will not ever be used as a source of "expert advice", but honestly i don't know what i could claim expertise of (maybe an expert at petting my cat, sipping coffee, and typing at the same time?). plus, i would rather be a source of true expression than pretend to be a know-it-all. i also know there are people who read this blog that are not christians, so i don't want to rant and rave like i have all the answers for your life. i won't lie. i believe that entering into a relationship with God through the innocent sacrifice of Jesus is crucial to this life and eternity. but i hope, if anything, i am able to express my own struggles as i hunt for truth in reality. i don't think enough people model that. we like our fake superheros and our world class screw-ups, but leave little room to grow in life in front of peers and enemies. if you hunt around for a few minutes on other blogs, we have an overabundance of critics, cynics, and self-righteous saboteurs.

i wish we would recognize that we are in this boat together. we have all made mistakes, and all struggle to accept and improve the person in the mirror. we all struggle to love the people in our lives, to forgive those who have hurt us, to accomplish something meaningful with our lives (however you define it)...

we all attempt elevate our strengths, knowledge, beauty, power, wealth, successes, seniority... and we do so to compensate for fear of being compared with our neighbors, siblings, parents, bosses, spouses or our own expectations for our self.

so either we criticize, strive, or just try to enjoy the ride, but ultimately we isolate ourselves from others, even though we may have friends we interact with everyday. why? because we have learned to. we have learned that even those who appear to have good intentions for us screw up. we have learned, tragically, that living separate is how we effectively gain "control" of the unexpected. we have learned to be busy, to be effective, to fill our days and time with a life we can mostly control. we have learned that having a large house, new car, and fat retirement account is the key to happiness.

so, with all our great learning, why is it that so much pain runs just under the surface? as we have shifted from our small homes with big front porches to our private estates with home theater systems has not our American society lost something of value? we are the envy of much of the world financially, yet we lead the losers in almost every indicator of societal breakdown (teenage pregnancy, divorce, abortions/unwanted pregnancies, drug use, alcoholism, sex addictions, murders per capita). i don't want to imply that our individualism and pride is behind all of this, as i don't think the answers for something that large can be hung on one cause.

it is my thought that so much of this is tied to our inability to build and maintain significant relationships with others. i know there are many out there that have communities of friends and have developed close ties in their neighborhoods. so i cannot imply that we are a friendless society, but i really question where we have gone when our priorities are directed by what is waiting for us at home on our dvr or TIVO. we have developed sophisticated lives of escapism. i have to lump myself in this boat on some level too. i love entertainment, but if at the end of the week, month, and year all i have to show for it is a list of watched movies i can cross off my list, then something is tragically wrong in my world.

tolerance, political correctness, and equality have been heralded in our culture with great positive results, but much of this has been accomplished through lawsuits, defamation, slander, threats of legal actions, and persecution. i think we have learned that to live "lawsuit-free" we must live distant from one another. so we have the appearance of tolerance on many levels, but i question if we really have grown as people or just learned to be a bit more inward and separated.

beyond this, we all have histories that resonate with moments of failure of heroes, parents, loved ones, religious leaders, friends, and enemies. our learning has been to protect ourselves by separation. america has consistently surpassed all other nations in indicators of individualism. we are a people that love a hero that stands alone and succeeds in the face of tremendous opposition.

so i sit here, really troubled, to create an adequate answer to society, to trends, to isolation... it seems like it is such a personal battle around personal values and personal choices. all i can do is make the choice for myself to live differently than what i see my culture present as the expected norm. i can say, "hey, i think there is a problem here. does anyone else see this? does anyone else feel very isolated from meaningful, supportive relationships while having a lot of interaction in your life?"

i'm grateful for the trends in my life that seem juxtapose to individualism, but i cannot help but wonder what it would take to break down the barriers in my immediate circles so that others around me can enter into greater levels of mutual intimacy and supportive friendship. is it a lack of having a model, a lack of seeing the need, a gap in having a context to express your need, feelings of fear, pride, competition? are we entirely lost on what it is to meaningfully engage and support one another? what would it take to establish a new norm, a trend in sharing life casually with those we pass on a daily basis?

i feel like so many of us have not yet realized that we cannot truly win in life on our own. it's unrealistic and unfair to expect that. i am not calling for communal living. rather, i want to see the death of this virtue of isolation and private strength that we feel we need to appear "put together". where has this truly gotten us? is the trade off in maintaining a professional appearance worth the emotional and societal breakdowns we have observed? do we want to continue to define success in terms of our own little 1/4 acre plots of soil, studs, and siding?

i question the values i have absorbed just being a part of american society in the last three decades. and i guess, on a more important level, i question the level that the american church has reflected this value of individualism. i think many who do not go to church struggle with how similar the lives of those who claim a belief in christianity are to those who do not. that is a question that would be difficult to fully approach, but i believe part of it is tied to our isolation.

those of you who are christians, how many truly honest moments have you had with other christians? have you been able to share the person under your skin meaningfully with your christian peers? have you been able to support others in the midst of struggles or felt supported in the midst of yours? i am not entirely critical of the church, as i have had many meaningful moments - but i think i live outside the norm in my experience.

why do we accept this as a way of life? i am convinced that there is an undercurrent of community out there. i don't think we are so far from entering into a more cooperative way of life. it just takes changing a few priorities, returning a few calls, initiating a few get togethers, and humbly accepting that others may see that you don't fully have your life together yet. it wouldn't take a radical change in how we live. almost all of us could float three or four hours a week away from entertainment and to sharing casual time with friends, family, neighbors, etc.

i feel like we would all start off with a better foundation to share life with one another, if we recognized we are in this boat together. maybe we should greet one another in a fashion similar to alcoholics anonymous meetings.

"Hello, my name is _________. And I am a human. I am learning. I am growing. It has probably been minutes since my last mistake. How are you?"

staring at the sun

2007-04-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

I am challenged by this. I felt like this was worth sharing, as it is what is on my mind. Those of you who have known me for years, know that at one point I actively express belief in the power of God to physically impact a moment in a person's life. Having seen and known people personally who had miraculous experiences in front of me, I can not say that miracles do not occur. I have seen too many inexplicable things.

However, having walked through an extended difficult period in my life, I back off from my active expression of belief. I would not say that I am a skeptic, but I have desired to avoid hype and over spiritualizing facets of life. I have focused primarily on personal, practical growth and measurable outcomes. I feel as if I am considering this again for the first time.

So, I would ask those of you, who are like me, to watch this for what it is. Without prejudgment, can you see something wonderful in this? What is it you feel, think, and believe about God in the here and now? I am asking myself the same question. I am challenged by this and reflecting on my own level of hope and prayerful expectation.

i'm sorry but your answer must be phrased in the form of a question

2007-04-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

when you look at your life, just behind the vibrations of pleasure, pain, productivity, and personal politics... what is it that you want your life to be about? after you are tossed in that rusty screen, and water has washed over the daily soil, what sparkles of gold do you want to remain, to pick out and celebrate?

i have sat in the council of amazing visionaries and at times have been found guilty of believing the hype of my own existence. i have also walked the dusty road of the defeated, the self-deprecating, refusing to see hope of discovering something valuable in my life. one answer seems to succumb to the abuse of unmet expectations and waves high the flag of apathy. the other overacts to the fear of failure and with an adequate level of humility extols the unique calling that will some how redeem me from the tragedy of the ordinary. neither seem to answer the questions fairly.

either answer invites a journey that is contradictary to a place of peace, but seem to offer subtle substitutes.

if i go on the journey of extreme hope, i look for my life to solve the deep pains in the lives around me. i want to impact my spot on the timeline significantly. i want brilliance.

if i go on the journey of endangered hope, i want to find some complementary current to ride and hum along wherever it takes me, not really desiring more than to appreciate the ebs and flows between my toes.

i do not really need to convince myself that my life is valuable and that i have an unique, irrevocable moment to live, nor do i need to spend time examining reality to see the now pains and pleasures in the simple interactions with those beside me. i have found my place to do both.

my struggle is to find the balance. how do i grasp a vision that sees today for what it is, celebrates and forgives yesterday for what it was, and hopes for a tomorrow that may be glorious? is it possible to cherish a strategic hope for your life that is not pompous or self-serving? is it possible to have a meaningful impact in your circle if your highest goal is to not be wounded by your own expectations?

it seems that at times we each choose our allegiance to survive. we hide behind the past, the sentiments and reasons to prejudge our todays and tomorrows. we cope with reality by living only caring about the present, celebrating the joys and accepting the sorrows that each day brings. we lay out exhaustive plans of why tomorrow will be different, better, than yesterday or today. in some combination of the three, we choose our allegiance to exist.

i think we would all say, "i want my life to matter." But in that statement, can hide a whole world of fear and expectation. what that means to each of us will be entirely unique.

the place of peace that i have found looks like this:

1) forgive the past, specifically and fervently. celebrate and cherish your family, friends, and whatever sweet memories you have made together.

2) accept that today is not in your hands, and then choose to be responsible in the midst of the acceptance that you cannot control it. pray and live, no matter what comes.

3) guard your hope for tomorrow by trusting in the hope of redemption. tomorrow may be shining or squalid, but it can be redeemed. hope for the sake of others, for the sake of love, for the sake of honoring God. do not sacrifice your imagination and dreams at the table of unmet expectations. accept that you have hope for a reason greater than survival of monotony.

4) accept that your identity and your value are not to be gambled on the outcomes of any of the above. if you have entered into a covenant relationship with God through the sacrifice of his son, Jesus, then you have been redefined permanently. your value has been appraised and established by the unselfish act of one. rest in that place.

i wish i could say that i have this all figured out, but i am still facing my own questions of how to do this, how to find peace in all things. this advice is as much for me as for anyone who reads this. this must be the end of my questions and wisdom for the moment.

Here, There, and Everywhere

2007-04-09T14:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have been a frazzled busy boy lately. I am on the final month of my semester at school. Sarah and I went to South Dakota. We started some projects on the house, made major decisions about our life, ate German Mennonite food, and celebrated Easter/Passover with our small group. Here is a bit of a picture diary of the last few weeks.

Ah, Schmeckfest... A South Dakotan excuse to fill your belly with sausage, sauerkraut, beef, homemade noodles, and poppy seed rolls - and then sit other people who have also recently filled their bellies with German explosives and wait to see what develops while listening to a two-hour musical performed by local farm talent.

This is my favorite. I can't say it or spell it right. Makauken... or something like that. All I know is that it is delicious and once you have eaten a slice of this poppy seed pastry, you will be picking black flecks out of your teeth for weeks. But it is so worth it.

Our table with Sarah, Linda, John, Grandpa, and Grandma...

They can serve up to 1000 people a night and have done this weekend festival for 49 years straight.

A wire pony in the Native American exhibit

Peppernuts... said FefferNoots... at least that's how I liked to say it.

Evidently this is how we would look if we were farmers and if I had Ross Perot as a father.

Last year I took a picture of me in the jail by myself... Now we serve time together. The family that commits misdemeanors together, stays together.

It is at this point that I must protect my audience from my twisted sense of humor and simply label this one - homemade sausage. You'll thank me later.

Granddaughter and Grandfather

Our Passover Seder table for our small group... Bitter herbs, lamb bones, saltwater, horseradish, haroseth, unleavened bread.... Passover is like Jewish Fear Factor.

Great excitement about the Seder

More excitement. Obviously Ashley is quite proud to be seen as a part of the group. Chad appears to be counting the dots on the ceiling after eating the horseradish, while Becky tries to wash down the burning sensation.

Hurry and hear the amazing guitar men who have stunned audiences as far as Liberty, Missouri...

... and then come and hear the cat that replaced them.

Rock on Frodo. Rock on.

A Funny Little Joke

2007-03-21T08:08:00.000-05:00

"Shoe box Dolls"

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about..

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Someone emailed this joke my way, and I thought it was especially touching because it reflects the nature of quiet forgiveness and making a relationship work despite frustration and anger with one another.

Wild Rover No More...

2007-03-17T20:48:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Brice & Anna!!! I love you both!

It was a beautiful day, full of friends, laughs, and celebration.

The Wild Rover

I've been a wild rover for many a year And I spent all my money on whiskey and beer, And now I'm returning with gold in great store And I never will play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never, No nay never no more, Will I play the wild rover No never no more.

I went to an ale-house I used to frequent And I told the landlady my money was spent. I asked her for credit, she answered me "nay Such a custom as yours I could have any day."

And it's no, nay, never, No nay never no more, Will I play the wild rover No never no more.

I took from my pocket ten sovereigns bright And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight. She said "I have whiskey and wines of the best And the words that I spoke sure were only in jest."

And it's no, nay, never, No nay never no more, Will I play the wild rover No never no more.

I'll go home to my parents, confess what I've done And I'll ask them to pardon their prodigal son. And if they caress (forgive) me as ofttimes before Sure I never will play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never, No nay never no more, Will I play the wild rover No never no more.

hangin with my peeps

2007-03-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

Every year around this time an inanimate animal-shaped confectionery treat floods into stores.
Perhaps it is my own heartlessness, but I take no joy in the arrival of this candy. Yes, they are somewhat disturbingly cute. Yes, they are full of sugar, puffed-sugar, and food-coloring. But I still have no love for these pink and yellow treats.

I speak, of course, of Peeps. I know just mentioning disdain of this treat puts me on the list of people you do not want to be stuck in an elevator with. But I'm really not that cruel. I don't steal cookies from Girl Scouts, set cats on fire, or sing karaoke. I just find nothing appealing in consuming concentrated sugar shaped like sweet little bunnies and ducks.

But before you boycott my blog, let me take you on a journey of my sugar scarred childhood. Being a relatively gullible and trusting young boy, I initially believed most anything a respectable adult told me. My mother, who on all outward appearances seems to be relatively kind and supportive (She's a lifeguard at the YMCA - How mean can she be?), engaged in a strange ritual whenever we consumed certain sweet treats.

This woman, who told me regularly that she "loved" me, deliberately worked to inflict guilt anytime I ate any cookie or snack that slightly resembled any living thing. This includes, animal crackers, gingerbread men, peeps, chocolate bunnies, chocolate Santas, and any other thing that could possibly have a voice.

The event would go something like this. I would wake up early on an Easter morning, and like secret agents, my brother and I would scour the house for our basket filled with foil-wrapped sugar, hard-boiled eggs (weird combo) and plastic grass. Upon finding our baskets, we would embark on a quest to enter a Guiness record setting sugar rush, barely removing the foil containing the chocolate coins and miniature eggs. Upon finding the hollow rabbit, my mother, in her best ventriloquist voice, would act out the part of the captured and slowly consumed bunny. "Oh, no!!!! My ear... he's got my ear!!!! Tell each of my ten dozen children that I love them. I'm such a cute bunny. Oh, no... my other ear!!! I can't hear... everything is going dark. Where did everyone go? It was such a lovely day... My foot!!! He's eating my foot!!!!" and so on, and so on (insert gingerbread men, animal crackers, etc.).

And alas... I am disturbed by Peeps.

I propose a fund for the protection of these endangered Peeps. If you want to fight for the cause of these innocent candy animals, send your checks my way. Perhaps I can find an injured, recovering Peep to speak at our annual convention (or at least have my mother do the voice-over).

For all intents and purposes, the details of this story have been moderately exaggerated for the sake of justifying my dislike of fluffed sugar. I love you Mom, and Happy Sugar Rush to the rest of you.

*** In response to a comment left by my wife, here is proof of the torture of these innocent Peeps. Click here.

Please send your checks to me with "Protect the Peeps" in the memo line and we will work to ensure that no more inanimate sweet treats are needlessly harmed.

ready, set, jet set me

2007-03-09T08:38:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning, I woke up just after 5 am. I had a scheduled business trip to Minneapolis that left at 6:40. So, I woke startled by the darkness and pushed my way into the bathroom where I had carefully laid out my suit and tie and my laptop bag. I rushed through my shower, hitting at least 80% of the important body parts, threw on my somewhat constricting clothes, grabbed a mostly yellow banana and some tasty green tea with pomegranate lips or hips or something, and hurried out the front door.

I sped up to the airport in the darkness, somewhat afraid that something would go wrong and I would miss my flight. Not wanting to risk my flight on waiting for the notoriously timely airport shuttle bus, I parked in the circle parking just outside the gate for a whopping $18 for about 10 hours of parking. I found my gate, entered into the line of eager beavers also waiting to have their privacy invaded, and stepped through the shiny white metal detector without my shoes, jacket, wallet, or dignity. About 2 minutes later, boarding began, and I found myself in the window seat at 6:20, next to two rather robust and anti-talkative senior citizens, who were probably more used to competing with the roosters to wake up first than I was.

I have to admit, at this point, I was not too appreciative of where I was at. I wanted to be in bed. I wanted to be in a space large enough for my body. I felt like I was trying out for some role in a musical about a mental hospital. Crammed into my suit and tiny seat, I could hardly move my torso. It was at that moment that I saw hope for my deliverance. A magic silvery button glistened from the armrest below. Could this be my easy button to comfort? I wrapped my fingers around the plastic armrest, closed my eyes, pushed the button, and waited. Mysteriously, my seat back began to recline. As I leaned back, my body rejoiced in the hope that comfort would soon be coming. Just then the maniacal mechanical monster halted. Those 3 inches were an appetizer sent from the devil of airplane designers to mock me at that moment. The seat would move no further. The three inches meant that for me to lay my head on the side, I was now perfectly aligned with the concave port hole window. So, I leaned into the window, bending over my armrest, and waited for my spine to grow a new hinge. It was at the moment, that the intercom rattled with the crackling voice of the steward. So I raised my seat back those tantalizing 3 inches, and waited for take off.

Up, up, up the plane climbed. When I boarded, it was perfectly dark, but as we climbed in the cloudless sky - the sun decided to greet the morning. Almost tandem with the movement of the plane, the vibrant deep orange orb rose from the prairie-lined horizon. As the jet climbed, my complaining ceased and I was in awe of the sunrise and the sight of land as far as I can see. The sky was so clear, the horizon ran on as far as I could see. It reminded me of the way the ocean and sky never seem to let go of one another when you are several miles off the coast.

Below I saw jigsawed parcels of land, the reflections of lakes, and the dark stream beds that fed them. I could pick out the roofs of mansions that suddenly looked like tiny, meticulously detailed models. Moving along the dark lines written deep in the dirt were busy reflections, each rushing their own way into the morning. As far as I could see, I saw rich evergreens, rigidly-etched plow lines, balloon-like water towers... I realized I could only focus on one portion of my gaze at a time. It was too much to try to take in all at once. I could see the earth end as it curved around the corner of some farm to the north and some river to the south.

It was in this moment that I was suddenly awe struck by the power of God. I could barely imagine trying to keep up with what I was seeing in that moment, let alone an entire planet. As important as my life is in my own head, all the moving reflections and miniature homes below housed other people, very concerned about their own lives. And God knows them all. Imagine that. No one is a stranger to Him.

I have never created an acre of land. Yet He, with the power of His echoing words, created the Earth and the Sun that was lighting the morning. As the revelation of His greatness hit me, all I could do was worship Him, as I silently expressed my gratitude a couple thousand feet up in the air.

Something I have come to believe is - the primary reason that people do not worship God is because they do not see Him for who He is, myself included. Worship should not flow out of religious duty or holy performance or well-intentioned guilt. It is naturally reflected from the heart of one who sees God, in some facet, in their life. Up until that moment, I was pretty caught up in me... as most of my days go. That morning, I saw His majesty spread before me across the prairie, and I honored Him in my heart.

May we all stop and see again, or for the first time, where He is displayed in front of us - and worship.

Goodbye party

2007-03-02T10:56:00.000-06:00

Randy, my previous improv coach, is leaving KC to work with Disney. We had some good times together. On Wednesday night, we had a going away party for Randy. Randy was the creative genius behind a lot of the videos & productions shown at my church (He is so famous, he's infamous). I thought it would be fun for those of you who have not seen them, or have not seen them in a while, to check them out.

POPS (spoof of cops) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWIUaudZ58

Praise God - Spoof of Wuzzup commercials - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0TZTjItFm4

Fred & Randy's Day Off - Spoof of Ferris Bueller's Day Off - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMotljhCEUk

Twilight Zone Spoof - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jshGAYt_Oxk

Temptation - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE8AlCYkEoo

How to Meet & Greet - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6rDteQIrKE

How to Run a Small Group - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2xLvwqiN2c

seeing dimly

2007-02-28T10:51:00.000-06:00

"For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was." James 1:23-24

This morning I was thinking about something my father said to me about my gifts & personality last week. He said I was a generalist. I want to have knowledge and experience in many areas but not be an expert in any particular area. For those of you who know me, that is a bit of a "duh" statement, though I do not know that I have actually thought of myself in those terms before. As I was thinking about this new realization about myself, it just struck me that I have invested hours upon hours of my time taking personality tests, learning style inventories, career aptitude tests, personal gifting inventories, presidential physical fitness tests (thank you elementary school... i never made it up that stupid rope. i still couldn't make it up that stupid rope. if i was being chased by a lion and my life depended on climbing a rope with a single knot at the bottom, i would be cat food. i can do a couple pull ups now though... anyway...), cartoon character comparison tests, celebrity look-a-like photo matches, and spiritual gift inventories.

At the same moment I am living this life 24 hours a day, very much being myself, I am constantly being reintroduced to this person that is me. It feels ridiculous to know I do not know me. I do not know what I am fully capable of - beautiful or horrific. I do not know who I will be tomorrow, and I am still trying to figure out who I was yesterday.

I know I am not the only one trying to figure out who this person stuck in my skin is. Just look around while you are checking out at the grocery store, and you can find a plethora (of pinatas) of quizzes to take to tell you all kinds of stuff: your likelihood to be famous, whether or not your children will be born bald, how "good you are in the sack" (as they ask you if you want paper or plastic), and if today's love relationship might be your "forever love". We want to know who we are and who we can be.

Some easy answers come like fortune cookie blessings, and we smile as we think, "Well, I am doing okay. I guess."

But our question is not truly answered. If we are lucky, we are able to rub away an inch or two of the smudge on the mirror, and we see a piece of ourselves we did not know was there.

"Oh... that's my elbow. I heard others talk about them... but wow, I bet that will be handy if I learn how to use that. It's all weirdly bendy and stuff... Cool."

Sometimes, it is in the moments of desperation, tragedy, pain, pleasure, euphoria - the crucible of extremes - we see something we did not know we were capable of. And then we step away, and have to decide whether or not we accept what we just saw in ourselves. Can I still like and even love me if that is part of who I am or can be? I know many who saw something in themselves that they were not ready to accept in one of those crucible moments - And deciding not to accept what they saw, began to either destroy themselves or the relationship that they were in that exposed this new facet that they did not know could be there.

Fully knowing who you are and who you can be is a weight beyond what most, if any of us, can bear. So we get glimpses of potential and hindsight to piece together a mosaic of who we are. We string together memories, the words and actions of others (both truth & lies), our shimmering successes, our failures, a few bits of knowledge - all colored by our deepest passions and fears - to quilt together some kind of identity we can hold. Look around... some wrap themselves in dark colors, the black numbness and denial of their value like a shroud covering their beauty. Others liberally piece together cutting edge fashion complete with trendy arm candy to outwardly extol their value.

Little boys love to test their strength and manliness against men they admire. Watch them eagerly wrestle with their father, uncle, and friends. They want to know if they are strong enough to be a man. Men love to test their strength and manliness against what they fear. Having not found peace with their strength as boys, they wrestle to overcome noble and selfish pursuits to prove to themselves that they are strong enough to be a man.

All of us, all of us, wondering who is this in my skin and can I love them?

As we learn who we are we are responsible to handle this new knowledge correctly. Though I do not know that anyone ever teaches you how to do that. If you accept that you were created by God who knew you before you did, and chose to love you before you knew what love was - then it is in His words alone that you can find peace.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14

"Now we see a blurred image in a mirror. Then we will see very clearly. Now my knowledge is incomplete. Then I will have complete knowledge as God has complete knowledge of me." 1 Corinthians 13:12

Therefore, we take all of this, memories, hopes, truth, and lies, prayerfully before God. We choose to trust that what we do not know yet, He knows. As we see glimpses of ourselves in the now, we trust the stability of His eternal perspective. It was resolute before we were turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. When we struggle to accept what we have discovered about ourselves, we ask Him to share a bit of His graceful gaze. When we want to inflate our ego like pufferfish, we ask Him again to help us see ourselves rightly. It is neither by our successes or our failings, our beauty marks or stretch marks, our hopes or fears - that we are ultimately defined.

The one stable beat, the pulse of an unshaken identity, is simply, "I am one who is created to be loved and reflect that love as I grow in my knowledge of it." If we can accept this and submit our grand defenses, self-righteous justifications, and elaborate excuses to this unpolluted stream - we can find peace in our own skin.

instant invent-a-sin... just add water

2007-02-19T19:45:00.000-06:00

I found this diagram online and thought it was ironic and funny, which is a good combo (like easy cheese and anything). I do not know that we need to diagram the intersections of sin, but I am currently stuck in an economics course, and we are going on to our third hour of supply & demand... and I think my brain is begging for a break... or air... or sleep... or something. So this is my disclaimer: Here is something I found funny when I couldn't feel my brain anymore. Now that I have fully absolved myself of guilt, here you go:

action figure Jesus with real kungfu grip

2007-02-19T09:49:00.000-06:00

Starting this Thursday night, Sarah and I will begin leading a small group of several young married couples. We have a great group signed up already, about 6 other couples. We are very much looking forward to it. It will be a new place for both of us to grow as a couple, as we have both led groups in the past, but never actually led a group together. So there is a whole herd of unsuspecting people that will be guinea pigs for us to practice our communication skills on. In truth though, we both deeply anticipate the friendships we will build.

We have decided to study "The Jesus I Never Knew" by Philip Yancey. I read it years ago, but have been rereading and realizing how refreshing it is to see Jesus for who he was in scripture. It just so easy to look through filters of centuries of tradition and decades of personal experience... and miss what he said, what he did, who he was... Another great book I recommend is "The Master" by John Pollock.

I remember the first time I read those books just weeping as I understood who Jesus was and is in a new way. Needless to say, I am looking forward to the group and the study.

eating amazing things

2007-02-15T15:55:00.000-06:00

We survived Valentine's day just fine. Sarah set up a table in the living room, bought a fancy table cloth, lit candles, ironed silk napkins.... I found some great music to put on in the background (I recommend Stephen Speaks - Out of my league - check their myspace). Papa Murphy prepared a delicious pizza for us. Sarah made a salad. We made quite a pair. The cat was significantly disoriented with the table suddenly appearing in the living room.

Sarah carefully crafted a handmade card for me that was perfect. I wrote a love note in a card for her and picked up some Russell Stover's chocolates for her (See Karl... I'm advertising the family business. Chocolate paid for our wedding. So when you eat Russell Stover's, you support Sarah's family. It's guilt-free!). Anyway, it was a delightful night.

Perhaps the most humorous moment occurred while we were cuddling on the couch. Sarah carefully chose her two chocolates for the night. We were cuddling and something fell from near Sarah's hand to my sweater. She looked at it, but seemed a bit consumed in her mouthful of chocolate. So, not wanting this bit of brown stuff to melt into my sweater, I grabbed it and stuck it in my mouth. While I was sitting there trying to distinguish the flavor, I realized the texture was not quite a creamy as I thought it should be. It was then I realized that it was a brown lint fuzzy that I was try to taste, and I promptly spit it out. Of course Sarah was abundantly compassionate and laughed about it until she cried.

Sarah said she was going to out me on her blog, so I decided to preserve my slight bit of remaining dignity and out myself. Yes... okay... I'm an unintentional lint eater.

Happy Post-Valentine's Day everyone!

Shortly before the "Lint" incident

Cupid better wear a parka!

2007-02-12T20:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know, I know... it's February. It's still winter. It's supposed to be cold. You are supposed to see your breath when you are outside (or inside when you are trying to save on your heating bill - thank you gas company!). We are supposed to get another 3 inches of snow tonight... hardly enough to protest over. It's stayed below freezing for almost a month now. All in all, it's been a fairly mild winter, so I shouldn't complain... but I just have one request...

Could we just have a nice night for Valentines Day? In my mind, I see myself getting dressed up and spending a night rambunctiously traversing the town with my wife in tow, listening to jazz, eating delicious food, dancing, and seeing the town. But, it is supposed to be 8 degrees outside not considering wind chill. That's just nuts! My lovely wife can hide about 14 layers of tights, socks, thermals, ankle warmers, and battery-powered lingerie under her normal winter wear. Not me, oh no. I am a manly man! I wear dress slacks a fraction of an inch thick that block about 2% of any breeze. She can appear glorious and be practically insulated at the same time, while I randomly jiggle body parts to confirm that they have not yet been taken by frostbite below the belt.

Who falls in love in this weather? Is that a joke? Approximately 87% of all relationships that begin on Valentine's Day are a direct result of avoiding hypothermia. Everyone appears to have red cherub cheeks because they are freezing, not because they feel love.... but because they lost feeling in their bodies! And our mascot is a flying half-naked Gerber baby...? Where's the sense in that?

So, it has come to this: No romantic night out, no jazz & slow dancing, no frolicking in the downtown. Yep, our plans for Valentine's Day are pizza and a rental movie. It's all about preserving warmth. Domino delivers romance this year. With garlicy breath and tomato sauce on our chins, we will cuddle the night away to some movie and thank God for central heating. I am not complaining. But I love to plan romantic surprises - and I am sure I have a few surprises left, but Valentine's Day hates me and all other plotting romantics. Why not set Valentine's Day in May or October - when you can dress up and be comfortable? This has to be undeniable proof that Valentine's Day is a concocted holiday by hallmark. They probably submitted some patent request to establish national card day, and that was turned down. So some brilliant executive decided, "Let's make it all about love. Who could turn that down?" And suddenly the rest of us were left with a holiday that makes no sense in the Northern Hemisphere.

So I hereby declare that Valentine's Day should be based in Australia. I betcha that their cupid could kick our cupid's butt. Picture it: kangaroos delivering paper valentines cards, koalas bearing Russell Stover's chocolate hearts, Cupid packing a boomerang instead of a miniature bow and arrow. Finally, a holiday that makes sense.

nurturing me

2007-02-04T15:54:00.000-06:00

i am discovering a side of my wife that i have not yet seen. so much of the time she is brilliant, strong, beautiful, and just a blast to be with. it never ceases to amaze me how quickly people fall in love with her or trust her. seriously, if i walk away in a restaurant or a store for five minutes, she usually has a new friend when i come back. she has organization pouring out of her mind so much of the time. for example, when she moved into our house, i used to have my "man products" spread in various portions of the bathroom. one day, while i was gone to work, she entirely rearranged the bathroom, cleaned it from top to bottom, and organized all the cabinets. somehow, with tetris-like skills, my "man products" suddenly fit in one little rubbermaid container in the cabinet. she declared proudly that that would be my "boy box". and since, there have been endless adventures in organization around the house... all of them usually coming to me as both a blessing and a surprise.

seriously, this is the girl with the master's degree... the highschool valedictorian... the track star... the social organizer for her church... the actor/poet... and she lays like a puddle on the couch next to me. she conquers small groups, lesson plans, and gourmet cooking... but a microscopic bug is kicking her butt right now.

so, i've learned to be a nurse for the last two or three days now. i've made runs to the store for robitussin, 7up, and dvds. i've cooked, cleaned, and carefully watched over her. i am not looking for a pat on the back... i am just amazed at how quickly our strengths are laid down and we become vulnerable and needy. sometimes it's sickness... loss... sadness. we all have moments when we are not so shiny. and in this moment, my precious wife is more red nosed and puffy than shiny. but, i love her. and i know in the next few days she'll regain strength and be herself again.

i've learned that this is the nature of love. one of my favorite stories in the Bible is found in John 8:1-11. it is the story of the adulterous woman.

"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people were coming to Him; and He sat down and began to teach them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. “Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?” They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more."

many quote the "cast the first stone" portion of this story, and make it primarily about avoiding judgment. but as i read this story, i see it speaking more about the value of this woman, in her less than shiny state. putting himself at risk, he defends someone who is undoubtedly guilty within the boundaries of the law of the land. did he deny what was wrong? of course not - but did what was wrong change his resolute commitment to her value? the scribes and Pharisees wanted to make the measure of value the visible compliance to the law. Jesus utterly defied their measure of value. i think we would all look at others differently if we could understand the compassion he had for her... if we could see how he looked at her.

it is truly rare to see love in your lifetime that fully sees inadequacy, vulnerability, and weakness - and does not bend down for the rock within reach. it is how i have seen my family love me, which i know is a rare gift and treasure to have in my life. it is how my wife loves me. but, i know my family and wife love me as i am because they have been loved in the same manner by God. it is how i have been loved by God. when you have tasted undeserved compassion and understood acceptance in the midst of knowing your own brokeness - it changes you. you no longer need to measure your value against the failures or successes of the people beside you. your value is forever and inexplicably redefined - simply loved, forever priceless.

so today it is my turn to love my wife when she is weak. i do so readily and gratefully. and maybe in the process i can learn to understand His relentless love a bit more.

Look out... here comes...

2007-01-30T13:44:00.000-06:00

I took one of those online superhero quizes to see what I would be if I was a superhero. I do not normally like personality tests because historically I am usually too many things - which further accentuates how many molds were potentially broken during my creation. So it's nice to just be Spider-man. I think Spider-man has always been my favorite... smart, cocky, funny, and a bit of an introvert... so it's time for me to break out the red spandex and take up wall climbing. I must say, I am little boy excited about the new Spidey movie coming out in the summer.

For me (and most men) one of the greatest disappointments in life is that we do not just "get" superpowers. I've been bit and stung by plenty of bugs.... I've had xrays... I've seen pieces of meteors at the Smithsonian... no superpowers yet. If anyone figures out where to get them, put me on your list of contacts. Until then, I'll just trounce around the house in my cape and pretend that our cat, Rio, is an evil mastermind plotting to take over the world (which he is.... one sunbeam at a time).

You Are Spider-man...
Spider-Man 80%
Green Lantern 75%
Iron Man 75%
Hulk 55%
The Flash 50%
Batman 45%
Robin 45%
Wonder Woman 40%
Catwoman 35%
Supergirl 25%
Superman 10%
You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have greatpower and responsibility.

sometimes loving is hard

2007-01-25T17:13:00.000-06:00

love is simultaneously the most significant and most costly thing i have found. to care, is to be exposed. to truly love you must place the desire to share fellowship on one shoulder and watchful wisdom on the other.

you cannot just desire to be with someone. nor can you solely desire joy, peace, and happiness for them or justice on their behalf. with your shoulders laden with expectations and perception you walk a narrowly-ridged beam. will they fall? will they fail? will i lose hope... heart... the ability to forgive... the endurance to watch them as wave after wave of painful consequences slaps them unconcious and they shudder to awaken from their destructive spiral? will i lose sight of their beauty? will i selfishly retreat to recover from the risk? what will i do with love when I have it?

"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

gratitude

2007-01-24T10:19:00.000-06:00

"Heartfelt thanks be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ--the Father who is full of compassion and the God who gives all comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3

"And for this further reason we render unceasing thanks to God, that when you received God's Message from our lips, it was as no mere message from men that you embraced it, but as--what it really is--God's Message, which also does its work in the hearts of you who believe." 1 Thessalonians 2:1

"To the end that my heart may sing praise to you, and not be silent. Yahweh my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" Psalm 30:12

"They sang one to another in praising and giving thanks to Yahweh, saying, For he is good, for his loving kindness endures forever toward Israel. All the people shouted with a great shout, when they praised Yahweh, because the foundation of the house of Yahweh was laid." Ezra 3:11

"With a free will offering, I will sacrifice to you. I will give thanks to your name, Yahweh, for it is good." Psalm 54:6

This morning I was just meditating on gratitude. What it is to be thankful... and the abundance of gratitude that slides through my fingers in my busy pursuit of life. It is easy to live with an unceasing gaze of what has not yet come or what is not as we would desire, but to lay down all selfishness and cherish the goodness that abounds in our lives is essential to living. Saying thank you to God is not only an act of worship, but also one of the most emotionally and spiritually beneficial acts we can perform.

Take a moment today and savor your life - what it is and is not. And to whatever end is honest in your heart, express your gratitude to God. It is not about working up artificial gratitude, as much as it is about learning to see... and then begin by saying thanks.

Nothing but a piece of government plastic

2007-01-22T09:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Sarah and I methodically bundled our bodies up in layer after layer of clothes with one goal in mind - to conquer the hill. Over the weekend, the skies shook off about five wet inches of snow. This semi-rare Midwestern occurrence motivated us to show to the world how truly intelligent we are. So, thoroughly clad in cotton, we embarked on our quest to slide down a hill with nothing but a piece of plastic between our bodies and the new snow daring us to conquer it.

Some things I have learned from this experience:

1) All children, despite their deceivingly small size, become high-speed human projectiles with no ability to steer or correct course once they start. If there is a way that they can injure themselves and others on the way down, gravity will temporarily shift in order to accomplish grander snow carnage.

2) Whether you speak English, Spanish, or Gibberish - we all feel the call of the mountain and grin insatiably after a good run.

3) Some idiot will always bring their hyperactive dog to the mountain - which of course will chase every sledder down the mountain nipping at their boots and jackets.

4) Snow suddenly loses its "squishyness" when you fall on it. It sounds squishy, it looks squishy, but it is a cold, hard mistress in disguise.

5) Snow, much like sand at the beach, works its way into the least convenient places.

6) Sarah, though smaller than I, is infinitely more aerodynamic and thrashed me repeatedly. I do not believe there is such a thing as sexist snow... but there is!

7) Jumps and hills look so fun from the top of the mountain, feel fun while you fly through the air, but suddenly lose much fun when your butt is violently violated by the jarring impact with the less-than-squishy snow. Reentry into the atmosphere is far more volatile than you would expect.

8) The ropes on sleds are greatly helpful in pulling the sled back up the hill, but will try to maim you on the way down the hill, wrapping themselves around your feet, stumps, snow... anything to make the journey more perilous.

9) Trusting a $2 piece of plastic to protect you as you fly down a hill at 30 miles a hour is in no way a reflection of your intelligence, or the future intelligence of your offspring.

10) Finally, the day after sledding, bruises, aches, and pains will mysteriously appear, which obviously have nothing to do with the sledding of the day before.

Celebrilicious

2007-01-17T18:19:00.000-06:00

Oh yeah...

bow chicka bow wow baby...

roll out the red carpet...

shine your shoes...

mmm... they're so fine...

let it be

2007-01-17T15:43:00.000-06:00

there are times in life when words cannot express what you feel... times when pleasures flow like belly laughs... times when sorrow hangs around like a cloudy day... then there are days like today. today, i have such a random mix of feelings that to try to pinpoint it would be like trying to find the end of a merry-go-round... you can see the edge, just not the end. you just keep loving, living, and learning.

it's amazing to me that despite the capabilities locked in the human mellon, we usually cannot understand the nature of who and what we are. we design intricate plans, paint watercolor pictures, and write operas - yet we are still what we are.

so today, i am especially thankful that i can just be. i do not have any other words of wisdom or articles of value to post. just this, i am glad to be.

"Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Place my yoke over your shoulders, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble. Then you will find rest for yourselves because my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matthew 11:28-30

XXX

2007-01-16T09:46:00.000-06:00

One of my fellow students posed a question on our alumni website regarding the impact of pornography. I thought it was worthwhile to post my response below. Obviously pornography is prevalent all over the web, so I hyperlinked two sites here that are devoted to overcoming addictions to pornography, sex, and self-gratification. I hope that these could be resourceful.

To understand the impact of pornography from the male perspective, the first question cannot be, "How could someone do that?" rather it should be, "Why would someone choose this?" From working with a significant number of guy friends, I have come to a few conclusions. The male desire to visually "take in" nudity is not primarily about "sex drive" or testosterone - though it is definitely a contributing factor, and obviously a innate draw that is God created, designed to enhance pleasure and/or inspire procreation.

However, from what I found from sifting layers of painful conversation, pornography is primarily about men desiring something to establish their sense of identity and self-worth, and more particularly a desire for something that they have the ability to control the outcome of. Very little on this earth speaks to men of their value more than that of the power of a woman who willingly and unabashedly unveils herself to a man and chooses to give her whole self to the man, particularly a woman who knows the man's strengths and shortcomings and still chooses him. It is a message woven in the fabric of the hearts of men. I believe it reflects what the church has the opportunity to bring to worship as well. Despite imperfections, the message that the beholder is worthy to "take in" all of person who unveils themself is a sacrifice of vulnerability and desire.

So, from my perspective, pornography is more about feeding the male sense of worth than male "sex drive". It is a substitute... a crutch for a person who is looking to establish own sense of value, on their terms and timing. It is like most addictive behaviors in our culture... primarily about convenience and control. From a Christian perspective, our identity can only be established from God - and sex is meant to be a beautiful part of marriage, but not a crutch for a wounded sense of self-worth. What pornography does is it sets up an easily accessible way out of personal growth and development... If you feel particularly depressed, low, or ashamed - it is available all around us to quickly reassure you that you are worthy of the gaze of that woman on the screen or printed on that glossy page.

The damage of pornography is seen in varying levels as: an addiction to visual stimulation & self-gratification, a poorly developed self-image, an inability to develop a healthy level of need for intimate relationships, a lack of respect for others, an unrealistic view of beauty, a self-absorption around personal needs & desires, and a reoccuring cycle of shame, depression, and acts of self-fulfillment. It speaks messages to spouses/girlfriends about how valuable and desirable they are in the eyes of the man and can send a message that can permanently sever a relationship.

From a Christian perspective, the greatest impact of pornography is seen as it subtlely robs a person from wholly and unabashedly finding their identity, self-worth, and sense of fulfillment from their relationship with God. Nothing else can establish identity and maintain it like the voice of love that never changes. Though looking to God to establish your identity is the epitome of vulnerability and surrender, the very opposite of the nature of porn - control & convenience.

Pornography sets a person up for a life that will be tossed by the waves of emotion, desire, and self-gratification. The fulfillment is temporary, fleeting, and robs a person in a process. Despite how much a person wants to believe that the unveiling woman truly desires them, they always know in the back of their mind that they paid for access to see what they did. It was not given freely, vulnerably, and deliberately out of choice and passion from a person who knows the strengths and weaknesses of the man. Instead, it sows a mutually deceiving message of temporary value and false intimacy, robbing a person of what was meant to be fulfilled in deepest of covenant relationships.

Recipe for a House Church in America

2007-01-10T08:34:00.000-06:00

The Barna Group recently conducted a study/survey of people involved in house churches in America. Here's a few of the more interesting facts and figures from the study:

"The research found that there are two types of people being attracted to house churches. The older participants, largely drawn from the Boomer population, are devout Christians who are seeking a deeper and more intense experience with God and other believers. The other substantial segment is young adults who are interested in faith and spirituality but have little interest in the traditional forms of church. Their quest is largely one of escaping outdated structures and institutions. "

Key components reported by house church attenders:

93% have spoken prayer during their meetings
90% read from the Bible
89% spend time serving people outside of their group
87% devote time to sharing personal needs or experiences
85% spend time eating and talking before or after the meeting
83% discuss the teaching provided
76% have a formal teaching time
70% incorporate music or singing
58% have a prophecy or special word delivered
52% take an offering from participants that is given to ministries
51% share communion
41% watch a video presentation as part of the learning experience

"Most house churches are family-oriented. Two out of every three house churches (64%) have children involved. Those churches are divided evenly between those who have the adults and children together throughout the meeting (41%) and those who keep them separated (38%). The remaining churches divide their time between having everyone together and having time when the children and adults are separated. "

"The average size of a house church is 20 people."

And finally, thoughts from George Barna, "Those who attend a conventional church are generally content to show up and accept whatever their church has on the agenda; they place the responsibility for their spiritual growth on the shoulders of the church," according to Barna. "We found that most conventional church goers have no desire to help improve their congregation’s ministry, nor do they feel a need to increase their personal spiritual responsibility.

"On the other hand," he continued, "the intimacy and shared responsibility found in most house churches requires each participant to be more serious about their faith development. Clearly, the house church experience is not for everyone."

I thought that this survey was a good followup to the Wolfgang Simpson's article I posted earlier under "Houses that Change the World". There are more facts and figures under Barna's site that would be worth a look if this at all interests you.

Stem Cells Revisted

2007-01-09T09:21:00.000-06:00

I came across an interesting article about a recent discovery regarding stem cell research. There are two articles on msnbc worth checking out.

"The research reported this week suggests that stem cells extracted harmlessly from the amniotic fluid that cushions a fetus in-utero hold much the same promise for disease-fighting as embryonic stem cells." (more)

"Researchers at Wake Forest University and Harvard University reported Sunday that the stem cells they drew from amniotic fluid donated by pregnant women hold much the same promise as embryonic stem cells.

They reported they were able to extract the stem cells from the fluid, which cushions babies in the womb, without harm to mother or fetus and turn their discovery into several different tissue cell types, including brain, liver and bone." (more)

I know I posted back in the fall about the stem cell research vote here in Missouri. I thought it was worth posting this as well. On a broad scale, one of the things I struggle with in politics and policy is that issues are presented with singular answers. So, either you vote for a measure and you are "pro-issue" or you vote against a measure and you are "anti-issue". Sometimes the conclusion or proposed legislation is short-sighted or is sponsored by forces that are unseen. It is presented like the best answer to a problem, and anyone caught opposing that specific answer is against the cause. The media plays the public as uninformed overemotional voters, and typically presents a case that best forwards their interests and bias.

I guess this is a good example of an issue that may have multiple solutions that could meet the goals of opposing parties. But the issue has been painted to be, either you are pro potential cures for diseases or you are pro embryo/baby. Instead of allowing other avenues of research to be fully exposed, those looking to benefit socially and financially push the issue prematurely with an inadequate solution.

I just thought it was interesting to see what a difference a few months could have made in the issue.

Houses that Change the World

2007-01-04T09:16:00.000-06:00

I thought it would be interesting to post Wolfgang Simpson's 15 Theses from 1998. He is one of the many voices that is trying to propel the "house church" movement today. His book "Houses that Change the World" is worth a read. I am not entirely sure that I fully buy into the vision in all contexts, but the idea of integrating church much nearer the place we live, love, and know who we are seems to be very much in the right direction. Anyway, this is worth chewing on and thinking about what you believe... Feel free to comment.

"God is changing the Church, and that, in turn, will change the world. Millions of Christians around the world are aware of an imminent reformation of global proportions. They say, in effect: "Church as we know it is preventing Church as God wants it." A growing number of them are surprisingly hearing God say the very same things. There is a collective new awareness of age-old revelations, a corporate spiritual echo. In the following "15 Theses" I will summarize a part of this, and I am convinced that it reflects a part of what the Spirit of God is saying to the Church today. For some, it might be the proverbial fist-sized cloud on Elijah's sky. Others already feel the pouring rain.

1. Church is a Way of Life, not a series of religious meetings Before they where called Christians, followers of Christ have been called "The Way". One of the reasons was, that they have literally found "the way to live." The nature of Church is not reflected in a constant series of religious meetings lead by professional clergy in holy rooms specially reserved to experience Jesus, but in the prophetic way followers of Christ live their everyday life in spiritually extended families as a vivid answer to the questions society faces, at the place where it counts most: in their homes.

2. Time to change the system In aligning itself to the religious patterns of the day, the historic Orthodox Church after Constantine in the 4th century AD adopted a religious system which was in essence Old Testament, complete with priests, altar, a Christian temple (cathedral), frankincense and a Jewish, synagogue-style worship pattern. The Roman Catholic Church went on to canonize the system. Luther did reform the content of the gospel, but left the outer forms of "church" remarkably untouched; the Free-Churches freed the system from the State, the Baptists then baptized it, the Quakers dry-cleaned it, the Salvation Army put it into a uniform, the Pentecostals anointed it and the Charismatics renewed it, but until today nobody has really changed the superstructure. It is about time to do just that.

3. The Third Reformation. In rediscovering the gospel of salvation by faith and grace alone, Luther started to reform the Church through a reformation of theology. In the 18th century through movements like the Moravians there was a recovery of a new intimacy with God, which led to a reformation of spirituality, the Second Reformation. Now God is touching the wineskins themselves, initiating a Third Reformation, a reformation of structure.

4. From Church-Houses to house-churches Since New Testament times, there is no such thing as "a house of God". At the cost of his life, Stephen reminded unequivocally: God does not live in temples made by human hands. The Church is the people of God. The Church, therefore, was and is at home where people are at home: in ordinary houses. There, the people of God: -Share their lives in the power of the Holy Spirit, -Have "meatings," that is, they eat when they meet, -They often do not even hesitate to sell private property and share material and spiritual blessings, -Teach each other in real-life situations how to obey God's word, dialogue - and not professor-style, -Pray and prophesy with each other, baptize, `lose their face' and their ego by confessing their sins, -Regaining a new corporate identity by experiencing love, acceptance and forgiveness.

5. The church has to become small in order to grow big Most churches of today are simply too big to provide real fellowship. They have too often become "fellowships without fellowship." The New Testament Church was a mass of small groups, typically between 10 and 15 people. It grew not upward into big congregations between 20 and 300 people filling a cathedral and making real, mutual communication improbable. Instead, it multiplied "sidewards", like organic cells, once these groups reached around 15-20 people. Then, if possible, it drew all the Christians together into citywide celebrations, as with Solomon's Temple court in Jerusalem. The traditional congregational church as we know it is, statistically speaking, neither big nor beautiful, but rather a sad compromise, an overgrown house-church and an under-grown celebration, often missing the dynamics of both.

6. No church is led by a Pastor alone The local church is not led by a Pastor, but fathered by an Elder, a local person of wisdom and reality. The local house-churches are then networked into a movement by the combination of elders and members of the so-called five-fold ministries (Apostles, Prophets, Pastors, Evangelists and Teachers) circulating "from house to house," whereby there is a special foundational role to play for the apostolic and prophetic ministries (Eph. 2:20, and 4:11.12). A Pastor (shepherd) is a very necessary part of the whole team, but he cannot fulfill more than a part of the whole task of "equipping the saints for the ministry," and has to be complemented synergistically by the other four ministries in order to function properly.

7. The right pieces - fitted together in the wrong way In doing a puzzle, we need to have the right original for the pieces, otherwise the final product, the whole picture, turns out wrong, and the individual pieces do not make much sense. This has happened to large parts of the Christian world: we have all the right pieces, but have fitted them together wrong, because of fear, tradition, religious jealousy and a power-and-control mentality. As water is found in three forms, ice, water and steam, the five ministries mentioned in Eph. 4:11-12, the Apostles, Prophets, Pastors, Teachers and Evangelists are also found today, but not always in the right forms and in the right places: they are often frozen to ice in the rigid system of institutionalized Christianity; they sometimes exist as clear water; or they have vanished like steam into the thin air of free-flying ministries and "independent" churches, accountable to no-one. As it is best to water flowers with the fluid version of water, these five equipping ministries will have to be transformed back into new, and at the same time age-old, forms, so that the whole spiritual organism can flourish and the individual "ministers" can find their proper role and place in the whole. That is one more reason why we need to return back to the Maker's original and blueprint for the Church.

8. God does not leave the Church in the hands of bureaucratic clergy No expression of a New Testament church is ever led by just one professional "holy man" doing the business of communicating with God and then feeding some relatively passive religious consumers Moses-style. Christianity has adopted this method from pagan religions, or at best from the Old Testament. The heavy professionalisation of the church since Constantine has now been a pervasive influence long enough, dividing the people of God artificially into laity and clergy. According to the New Testament (1 Tim. 2:5), "there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." God simply does not bless religious professionals to force themselves in-between people and God forever. The veil is torn, and God is allowing people to access Himself directly through Jesus Christ, the only Way. To enable the priesthood of all believers, the present system will have to change completely. Bureaucracy is the most dubious of all administrative systems, because it basically asks only two questions: yes or no. There is no room for spontaneity and humanity, no room for real life. This may be OK for politics and companies, but not the Church. God seems to be in the business of delivering His Church from a Babylonian captivity of religious bureaucrats and controlling spirits into the public domain, the hands of ordinary people made extraordinary by God, who, like in the old days, may still smell of fish, perfume and revolution.

9. Return from organized to organic forms of Christianity The "Body of Christ" is a vivid description of an organic, not an organized, being. Church consists on its local level of a multitude of spiritual families, which are organically related to each other as a network, where the way the pieces are functioning together is an integral part of the message of the whole. What has become a maximum of organization with a minimum of organism, has to be changed into a minimum of organization to allow a maximum of organism. Too much organization has, like a straightjacket, often choked the organism for fear that something might go wrong. Fear is the opposite of faith, and not exactly a Christian virtue. Fear wants to control, faith can trust. Control, therefore, may be good, but trust is better. The Body of Christ is entrusted by God into the hands of steward-minded people with a supernatural charismatic gift to believe God that He is still in control, even if they are not. A development of trust-related regional and national networks, not a new arrangement of political ecumenism is necessary for organic forms of Christianity to reemerge.

10. From worshipping our worship to worshipping God The image of much of contemporary Christianity can be summarized, a bit euphemistically, as holy people coming regularly to a holy place at a holy day at a holy hour to participate in a holy ritual lead by a holy man dressed in holy clothes against a holy fee. Since this regular performance-oriented enterprise called "worship service" requires a lot of organizational talent and administrative bureaucracy to keep going, formalized and institutionalized patterns developed quickly into rigid traditions. Statistically, a traditional 1-2 hour "worship service" is very resource-hungry but actually produces very little fruit in terms of discipling people, that is, in changed lives. Economically speaking, it might be a "high input and low output" structure. Traditionally, the desire to "worship in the right way" has led to much denominationalism, confessionalism and nominalism. This not only ignores that Christians are called to "worship in truth and in spirit," not in cathedrals holding songbooks, but also ignores that most of life is informal, and so is Christianity as "the Way of Life." Do we need to change from being powerful actors to start "acting powerfully?"

11. Stop bringing people to church, and start bringing the church to the people The church is changing back from being a Come-structure to being again a Go-structure. As one result, the Church needs to stop trying to bring people "into the church," and start bringing the Church to the people. The mission of the Church will never be accomplished just by adding to the existing structure; it will take nothing less than a mushrooming of the church through spontaneous multiplication of itself into areas of the population of the world, where Christ is not yet known.

12. Rediscovering the "Lord's Supper" to be a real supper with real food Church tradition has managed to "celebrate the Lord's Supper" in a homeopathic and deeply religious form, characteristically with a few drops of wine, a tasteless cookie and a sad face. However, the "Lord's Supper" was actually more a substantial supper with a symbolic meaning, than a symbolic supper with a substantial meaning. God is restoring eating back into our meeting.

13. From Denominations to city-wide celebrations Jesus called a universal movement, and what came was a series of religious companies with global chains marketing their special brands of Christianity and competing with each other. Through this branding of Christianity most of Protestantism has, therefore, become politically insignificant and often more concerned with traditional specialties and religious infighting than with developing a collective testimony before the world. Jesus simply never asked people to organize themselves into denominations. In the early days of the Church, Christians had a dual identity: they were truly His church and vertically converted to God, and then organized themselves according to geography, that is, converting also horizontally to each other on earth. This means not only Christian neighbors organizing themselves into neighborhood- or house-churches, where they share their lives locally, but Christians coming together as a collective identity as much as they can for citywide or regional celebrations expressing the corporateness of the Church of the city or region. Authenticity in the neighborhoods connected with a regional or citywide corporate identity will make the Church not only politically significant and spiritually convincing, but will allow a return to the biblical model of the City-Church.

14. Developing a persecution-proof spirit They crucified Jesus, the Boss of all the Christians. Today, his followers are often more into titles, medals and social respectability, or, worst of all, they remain silent and are not worth being noticed at all. "Blessed are you when you are persecuted", says Jesus. Biblical Christianity is a healthy threat to pagan godlessness and sinfulness, a world overcome by greed, materialism, jealousy and any amount of demonic standards of ethics, sex, money and power. Contemporary Christianity in many countries is simply too harmless and polite to be worth persecuting. But as Christians again live out New Testament standards of life and, for example, call sin as sin, conversion or persecution has been, is and will be the natural reaction of the world. Instead of nesting comfortably in temporary zones of religious liberty, Christians will have to prepare to be again discovered as the main culprits against global humanism, the modern slavery of having to have fun and the outright worship of Self, the wrong centre of the universe. That is why Christians will and must feel the "repressive tolerance" of a world which has lost any absolutes and therefore refuses to recognize and obey its creator God with his absolute standards. Coupled with the growing ideologisation, privatization and spiritualisation of politics and economics, Christians will, sooner than most think, have their chance to stand happily accused in the company of Jesus. They need to prepare now for the future by developing a persecution-proof spirit and an even more persecution-proof structure.

15. The Church comes home Where is the easiest place, say, for a man to be spiritual? Maybe again, is it hiding behind a big pulpit, dressed up in holy robes, preaching holy words to a faceless crowd and then disappearing into an office? And what is the most difficult, and therefore most meaningful, place for a man to be spiritual? At home, in the presence of his wife and children, where everything he does and says is automatically put through a spiritual litmus test against reality, where hypocrisy can be effectively weeded out and authenticity can grow. Much of Christianity has fled the family, often as a place of its own spiritual defeat, and then has organized artificial performances in sacred buildings far from the atmosphere of real life. As God is in the business of recapturing the homes, the church turns back to its roots, back to where it came from. It literally comes home, completing the circle of Church history at the end of world history.

As Christians of all walks of life, from all denominations and backgrounds, feel a clear echo in their spirit to what God's Spirit is saying to the Church, and start to hear globally in order to act locally, they begin to function again as one body. They organize themselves into neighborhood house-churches and meet in regional or city-celebrations. You are invited to become part of this movement and make your own contribution. Maybe your home, too, will become a house that changes the world. "

Onething Forever

2006-12-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

This past week Sarah and I popped in on the Onething youth conference in Kansas City. With roughly 12,000 youth crammed into the old memorial auditorium, I was immediately aware of my age. Although 26 is not entirely aged, in a crowd of roughly 11,500 teens and early twenty somethings, I felt awash with youth and saw the looks of stress and strain of countless youth pastors and parents. We worked our way through the masses and landed ourselves about halfway up the auditorium to the right of the stage. It was an excellent spot to watch the crowd and the stage.

As I stood there a few things seemed especially powerful to me. I remembered attending conferences very much like this in my youth with crowds caught up in prayer and worship. I remember being surrounded by my peers and feeling the swell of worship music, smelling the artificial fog, choking backing my own tears and good intentions, and treasuring those moments as pinnacle posts in my spiritual journey. As I sat there reminiscent, I realized that my own peers with the same passion I saw in these youth have largely slipped into silent lives of American productivity. A decade before they stood resolute that their life would impact the world. Now they change diapers, program their TIVO to record 24, and try to dig out of their college loans and credit card debt. I do not question the passion or good intentions of the youth at Onething or my peers. Rather, to realize that such passion dies because it has no environment to reinforce, protect, and utilize it following the youthful days of limited responsibility, is both heart-breaking and convicting.

It is significantly easier as a teen or college student to spend summers traveling the globe and exchanging your hard-earned summer job money for opportunities to help orphans, impoverished masses, and aids victims. Then, at some point there is a choice. Either you enter into "full-time" ministry as a missionary or pastor, or you get a regular job. There is little middle ground. Either you choose passion (and most likely your own poverty) or practical providence. It's as if a void has been created between the two worlds (sacred and secular) and they cannot be easily united in our current Western system of separation of church and state. I think this that this inability to find a visible context, mentoring, and support in integrating personal passions into a Westernized lifestyle is the greatest hindrance to preserving the fire and zeal of youth.

I do not believe that my peers were not "truly committed" or faithfully expressing their desire to impact communities. I believe that they got married, found jobs, started popping out babies, and realized that they had to continue to work the system to pay the bills and provide. Most of them chose responsibility. While they did not intentionally sacrifice their passion, it became dormant from lack of use.

The deep dilemma of the modern Western church is that we do not understand the Kingdom of God. When scripture extolled that all of the Earth is God's and it is ripe with praise of His glory, we reduced His sphere to a specific set of experiences and realms of operation. We allowed and encouraged the institutionalization of Christianity and chose a set of predictable contexts to contribute to our spiritual lives. We unknowingly accepted that Sundays from ten to noon, occasional charitable contributions, a Bible study here and there, and volunteering our time would be our context to flesh out our lives before God. I in no way condemn any of these practices and would honor the sacrifices of those who choose to express their love of God and fellow man in these contexts.

However, if the whole Earth is His, then the intricate inner workings of it all were spoken into existence and praised by His mouth: the spinning of planets, the pull of gravity on a riverbed, the inherent value in minerals and elements, the principles of growth and investment, electricity traveling along wires, the elimination of disease through chemical compounds... What has happened has been the separation of a world that was meant to be actively redeemed in its entirety in praise to Him.

I mourn inside to know that much of the passion I saw at Onething will wane as these youth become adults with adult responsibilities. I do not currently know what the practical solution to creating a Kingdom culture is, but it is something of great importance in my heart and mind.

I invite you to enter into discussions and prayer of what it would mean for to fully integrate spiritual and practical life, to see every context in life as a potential place of worship. I do not believe the current institution of the Church is a reflection of Kingdom living. I do not believe that such a small portion of people leading "ministry" lives even remotely reflects God's interest and authority in the planet. What would it take to change the accepted mindset? What would it take to see education, business, parenting, communication, retail and service industries, etc become places where believers actively worship God and demonstrate Kingdom principles? What if we became a force in community development, life-skills training, and conflict resolution? What kind of mentoring and ongoing support would we need to see personal passion utilized to impact local communities through whatever occupation was pursued in school? How do we, as mentioned in the letter to the Romans, become living sacrifices no matter which context of life we earn a wage from? We need to reclaim all of creation as a potential source of worship and ministry.

This is also part of the message of Sacred Salvage... not only about the redemption of lives shattered by pain, rejection, and failure, but the reclamation of a future that sees any place on the Earth as a stage to build the Kingdom of God, fulfill personal passions and heavenly callings, and bring worship to God wherever you are. I believe that this is the message of the Gospel and the Kingdom.

I just struggle to accept limiting ministry to such a small, specific context and narrowing worship to the weekend experience we have come to accept. There has to be more. It is not right that youth struggle with a choice to "go into ministry" or "abandon their callings". I don't think that God desired us to gradually slip Him into a place on our weekly calendar and live apart from Him during the week.

On a side note: The thing I have asked God for in 2007 is that He would teach me how to walk beside Him. It is so easy to want to know what is "required of us" in order to keep God happy with our contribution, but I believe that this kind of attitude is opposite of what scripture teaches. As far as I can tell, we are invited to walk beside Him... to place His yoke on our shoulders, buddy up with Him, and plow our fields together. Since we are not placed behind Him or in front of Him, but rather yoked beside Him, I believe that this reflects a partnering relationship, despite the fact that He is clearly the stronger one. If our relationship with Him is the foundation of all we attempt to accomplish in our labor, then any moment can become a friendship with God moment. Any field we enter together becomes our "mission field". I believe learning to walk beside God and share a relationship with Him in all circumstances is foundational to building His Kingdom.

So, this is what I am thinking about right now. There is more, but I do not think I can adequately express it right now.

Happy New Year!

There and Back Again - A Honeymooner's Tale

2006-12-29T09:38:00.000-06:00

Josh & Sarah etched permanently in the sand

Sarah chumming it up with Edgar Allen Poe - We ate his hamburgers!

Magnolia Plantation House

A Congregation of Cypress Knees at Magnolia Plantation

Swamp Forest

Hugs in the swamp

Arrrrrrrrr.... I found me booty!!!

A friendly face at the aquarium....

Impersonation is truest form of flattery...

Who is that cute couple with the cannon?

Sarah getting friendly with the locals...

I behaved myself so Sarah let me ride the wagon!!!

The birds really like Sarah, as you can see.

A plethora of protruding palmettos

Carolina Coast

Charleston Bridge

the happy honeymooners...

Redemption Draweth Nigh

2006-12-27T16:36:00.000-06:00

The New Year is always an interesting time to stop, reflect, and assess your life. I do not believe that the specific date is significant, but remembering to change the number at the end of the date is so memorable, that we recognize the changing of a season in our lives. Maybe it is Dick Clark (or one of the many Dick Clark clones), or maybe it is the giant lit orb transcending down a crowded New York shopping district; perhaps it is staying up past midnight and smooching your sweetie. For some reason, we emotionally honor the changing of the Roman calendar year. We cherish it. Every year, it is typically something like this, "Wow, last year was hard... but I am going to accomplish all the things I plan to in the New Year. This year will be different." The Jewish religion has a set of holy days that they honor called Yom Kippur. For them, Yom Kippur is a time to look inward, take inventory of your life, and then look outward to those in your life.

Whether the end of the year or some other holiday, reassessing our lives is critical. Marking the close of one season and the beginning of the next is essential to maintaining sanity. We have to lay down all our old "shoulds" and "oughts", catch our breath, decide that there is still something worth fighting for in life, and get up. We have to brush the dirt off our face, stop hiding in the bunker, and force ourselves to take ground again. I know for many, it is much easier to stay hidden under the passage of time, watching the years pass, and cursing the wasted opportunities. Somewhere along the way, hope was sacrificed at the hands of unmet expectations. It was easier to let it die than believe that life could be better, different.... redeemable.

For years now, I have counseled friends, as they walked through personal destruction and pain, that they cannot sacrifice their hope. Rather, the only safe option is to place one's life in the hands of God, trusting that He alone can redeem it. There is no loss so great that redemption is no longer a possibility. There is nothing so broken that God cannot reform it into something more beautiful than its original state, if we will trust it to Him. We do not get to dictate the personal choices of others. Nor do we get to erase the consequences of destructive choices or return those long separated from our lives. However, the end of our individual stories is not yet written. There is always hope for redemption, for new life out of the ashes.

Having shared this repeatedly with others, I did not fully anticipate that my own words would be tested beyond what I had thought possible in my own life. As this year closes and I take inventory, my story is rewriting itself. What I share here I do not share to honor pain, glorify my struggles, or make myself look entirely innocent in my own story. Rather, I share it for those of you who let your own unmet expectations crucify your tender hope. I hope that you too, lay it all in the hands of God, and trust Him to author the story of your life. I pray that you take the pen out of the greasy hands of past pain and place your faith in the author of redemption to finish the story for you.

The past decade of my life went like this. Being a rather highly motivated firstborn child, I fought to succeed. My own natural abilities allowed me to rely heavily on myself for most of the progress in my life. In high school, during the summers I traveled around the globe working with orphanages, tribal villages, and inner-city communities. My associate's degree was pursued at a Bible School in Florida. The zeal fostered by the school only added to my performance predicament, and I left fully expecting to save a city for Jesus within a few years of graduating. Looking back, the innocence of my passion was beautiful, but my character has been tempered and tested in recent years. I wish I could combine my now wisdom with my then zeal.

Following Bible School, I married my high school girlfriend, fully believing that we would live as missionaries and grow old together. After a summer of working and saving, we moved to Kansas City to partner with an inner-city church-planting organization, that is an organization whose chief missional strategy is to create new churches in different communities. Together, we worked with this organization mentoring youth, leading worship services, preaching, teaching, helping with a food pantry, and hosting mission teams to the inner-city. During our time working with the organization, we accrued significant debt as we did not take a salary from the organization, but trusted in the donations of friends to pay the bills. At this point, we were forced to renegotiate our role within the organization, and take regular jobs during the week to pay the bills.

During the 5 years that we worked with the organization, it struggled with burning out its volunteers and support leadership. Point leadership was controlled by a single man. He was well-intentioned, intelligent, and possessed a charismatic charm. Although he was a gifted visionary, he struggled to build the organization. He could see what he wanted, but struggled to utilize his resources to establish something that would last. The answer to most issues within the organization was to recast the vision. If people were struggling and portions of the work were failing, it was assumed to be due to the lack of people embracing the vision. My experiences there taught me a great deal about the need for humility, accountability, and shared leadership within a church. Today the organization is still struggling to develop momentum and create something lasting. For what it is worth, there are a number of deeply precious people in the organization. It is not the quality of the people, rather how they are connected and how they attempt to accomplish their goals that has hindered them. For better or worse, this time was the greatest period of personal education in my life. Seeing efforts succeed, efforts fail, and the ups and downs of the lives of those I loved was deeply impactful and educational - albeit humbling and painful.

During this same period, my wife found a veritable feeding ground of broken people who "needed" her. Moving from one needy relationship to next, my marriage became a cohabitating friendship. From her perspective, my role was to alleviate the responsibilities of house maintenance, life management, and financial management while also meeting a specific list of emotional needs. Her expectations of me were great. When I failed to meet these expectations, she threw herself all the more into ministry, worship leading, and need-to-be-needed relationships. Due to her way of coping with disappointment, she appeared to those in our church to "buy-in" at a much greater level than I. She was applauded and praised for her sacrifices and time commitment to meeting the needs of others, all while I lived very much alone in the marriage.

After five years of marriage, with the support of the head leader, she chose to separate herself from me and move to Colorado. One of her newer influential friends, who had recently completed an extended separation and divorce, moved to Colorado with her. During the seven months of separation, I paid both sets of bills, attended weekly marriage counseling, and tried my best to lay some ground to rebuild a marriage. I was met with bitter judgment, accusation, and a list of demands greater than I could ever rationally or personally agree to. During this time the leadership of the organization supported her stand and demands, saying the failure in any marriage is always 100% the responsibility of the husband. I was told by the man who had been a father and a mentor to me, that if I did not take 100% responsibility for the breakdown in the relationship, that the death of the marriage would be my fault.

The separation and what it meant to me seemed to swallow my life. I spent about two hours a day weeping and praying. I stopped eating, sleeping, and felt very much on the verge of losing my mind. The organization I had given five years of my life to, turned their back on me. My previous mentor said to a faithful friend of mine that I was a hopeless case. Any attempt at communication with my estranged wife was met with threats of extended separation and divorce. I was given a list of required behaviors from her and told that if I complied with them for 6 months and did not attempt to speak to her, that she would attend a single marriage counseling session with me. I found myself instantly cut off from 95% off all the people who I would have wanted to depend on. My support came from my family in North Carolina and three friends in Kansas City (thank you... you know who you are). In the midst of this, my car was totaled, my back was injured, and I was laid off as a result of corporate restructuring within a single week. I will not linger on this any longer, but the only word I can use to describe this period in my life is devastation.

On a side note, one of the greatest moments of freedom for me came when I accepted that my wife and those who had been in my life had a right to make their own choices. I accepted that it was not my responsibility to try to convince them to make other choices or pursuade them to believe differently about me. I accepted that it was not my responsibility to defend myself or my reputation. This was tremendously freeing, as the battle to find some place of influence was one of the greatest sources of frustration and confusion.

Finally, I began to accept and release this experience and the choices of these people to God. I chose to forgive those who had betrayed me. I stood up, caught my breath, and laid my hope in His hands. It was my only way out of the confusion and pain. I could have spent a lifetime trying to alter the situation, rethinking what I could have done differently, and dwelling on my sense of injustice.

About 13 months ago today, I indirectly found out that my estranged wife had filed for divorce. I found this out through a friend of a friend. This announcement was met with one more email sent from the head leader of the organization implicating my fault and guilt in the situation. Despite my detailed confession of my failures to my estranged wife, my counselor, and over 20 other people, my financial support throughout this period, my regular attendance to marriage counseling, and my near constant effort to try to correct this situation... this was in his estimation, due to my lack of embracing responsibility rightly.

Around that time period, I began attending a church in the area with a consistent history in the community, began exercising and attending to my body, worked diligently to rediscover who I was, and decided to not give up on my life. I reassessed my life, allowed God to revive my hope, and chose to believe what I had counseled to several others - that redemption had to be my reality... my life could be redeemed.

I write today, roughly a year later, as a very different man. I am happily married to a marvelous woman. I do not know that I could properly express my joy and gratitude for the gift Sarah has been in my life. She is daily a source of support and friendship. While our relationship has not been without its own bumps and bruises, our conflict resolutions skills and commitment to voluntarily and mutually contribute to the relationship has been admirable. I am deeply proud to call her my wife and friend.

From a physical perspective, I have lost just at 80 pounds. I weigh less than I did in high school. I went from wearing size 40 pants and a XXL to wearing size 34 pants and a medium shirt. While this may not seem emotionally significant, for me this was an area that I had given up hope in changing. I believed it was futile to try to change my body, as my many attempts to diet bore only spurious results. It was an outward sign of an inward change for me. While, I may not look like a model, I feel a great deal of joy in my transformation. For those of you wondering how this was accomplished: I ate right, ate less, and exercised several times a week ...the stuff that we all hate to do.

From an occupational perspective, I have received two promotions and three raises since I was laid off in May of 2005. I am currently earning double what I was a year and a half ago. While I am not one to preach financial prosperity, I believe that this could bring hope to those of you buried in debt. Also during this time, I completed my bachelor's degree in business management, and began my Master's degree.

Today, I am happy, healthy, humble, and tremendously grateful for the redemption I have seen and tasted. I do not want to lead anyone to believe that I attained a state of perfection in my previous relationship, nor do I want to imply that today's struggles are not still present. Rather, if there was a solitary message I would want to pour into the hearts and minds of others, it would be that there is always hope for redemption if you entrust your life into the hands of God. I cannot attribute my transformation to anything other than His supernatural grace and total commitment to love me. I cannot say that I was cutoff from His grace and love in my season of devastation. What He orchestrated to enter my story was allowed in love, not in abandonment or rejection of me. He was ever-present, though hard for me to see in the midst of my pain. Today, I am a different, reformed, and more whole man because of the experience. Each moment of past pain can be redeemed to be a source of strength and life today. This is my hope. This is my experience. This is my message.

While I could never justly compare my experience to that of anyone else, I believe that we have all had moments of personal devastation that were tailor-made to expose our deepest expectations and hidden fears. Either hope is crushed, or it is placed by faith in the hands of the one whom we can always trust to redeem, whether in this life or eternity. For me, this two-year experience was my deepest fear fleshed out in living color. Had I had stayed licking my wounds, storing up bitterness, and accusing God - I fear that I would have either killed myself or would be a monster of a man today.

Humility, confession, forgiveness, and faith are the only ways out of deep personal devastation. There are no easy answers, as I still have unanswered questions. But I decided that I would not let my pain, the past, or the piercing words and actions of others tell me who I was or whom I could become. There is only one who has ever had a consistent voice of love in my life - and only He has the right to tell me what I am worth and who I could become.

So today, I live by faith. I cannot foresee if today will bring pain or pleasure - or a mix of both. But whatever it brings, neither have the right to sway my identity. It is not up for argument based on the inconsistencies of life. I am loved, forgiven, adopted, redeemed, and brought in to build a Kingdom for a King.

I hope as this year ends, that all who read this find redemption drawing near to the damaged places in your own past. I hope that you find the courage to lay your life wholly, unabashedly, and vulnerably before God, no matter what comes. I hope that you discover that your story is not fully written and that the close your own journey can be radiant.

I wish you all a renewing new year, hope for tomorrow, peace for yesterday, and grace for today.

Back again

2006-12-26T08:30:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone -

First I must apologize. I have been a very poor blogger lately. The last three weeks were filled with papers, finals, travel, our honeymoon, and some time celebrating Christmas with the fam. I'll post some pictures later this week. Sarah took the camera today to print some of the pictures.

Here's a bit of an update. Sarah sent out Christmas letters to several people - so this may be a repeat of previous communication.

Starting in the fall, I began my Master's degree at UMKC in Public Administration - specificially in Urban Management and Community Development. Being a bit nuts, I signed up for classes three nights a week.

In October, my job (with OfficeMax's corporate sales) was burdened with the several new accounts all rolling out at once. It is great to win new business, but I do not feel like I have had time to blink. In late October we were informed that the company would be restructuring all corporate sales office personnel. So we all had to reapply for new positions. I traveled to Chicago in November and interviewed for a regional position. Later in November, I was chose as one of eight hired to support the central US market. So, now my new vague title is Website Implementation Specialist. I will get to work out of my home in KC and travel around the central US as needed. We were also blessed with a significant raise in the promotion.

On November 11th, Sarah and I were married. It was a brisk and beautiful fall day. We were married in a little historic country chapel. Our friends and family came into town. It was an absolutely wonderful day. I do not believe I could have asked for more.

The week before Christmas Sarah and I flew out to North Carolina. My parents let us borrow a car for the week. We rented out a beach house on the Isle of Palms, about 20 minutes from Charleston, South Carolina. We had a marvelous week sight-seeing and enjoying the 70 degree weather. More pictures and stories to follow.

On December 22nd, Sarah and I drove back to Charlotte. That night Jared, my younger brother, proposed to his girlfriend, Heather. I was able to catch it all on my camcorder (thanks to Sarah - my Christmas present). Jared has taken up improv comedy. At the end of his group's show, they played world's worst - a line game where you say the world's worst thing to say at a _________ or the world's worst thing to say if you were a _________. Of course the line game was world's worst things to say at a marriage proposal. His group contributed about 10 gag proposals, then Jared got down on one knee and proposed to Heather. She did not know if he was joking or not for the first 3 seconds. Then she said yes, they hugged, and much love was shared by all.

Now having been married for a solid six weeks, I can say that I am a fan of marriage. Sarah is as well. We recommend it. Honestly, Sarah has been a deep blessing to my life. Not only is she brilliant and beautiful, but she is quick to give, support, forgive, and love. I keep turning the corner and find her contributing to our life together out of love for me. I love to give to her, but it is such a surprise to find her working so hard to build a life together with me. It is a new experience for me to receive such support.

One of the things that I enjoy the most about our relationship is that we both enter life with broad acceptance of people despite their quirks and personal struggles. It has been so fun to mutually share our family and friends and watch one another laugh with and enjoy each new person. It is just amazingly fun to leave our shared experiences savoring and enjoying our new combined family and friends.

On December 23rd, Jared, Heather, my grandma, my dad, my mom, Sarah, and I gathered around the Christmas tree and celebrated the birth of Jesus by eating turkey, telling stories, loving one another, and exchanging gifts. It was a beautiful day. Jared and Heather have two boxers, Braxton and Bella. They are great, slobbery dogs. They love to wrestle, chase the cats, drink water like it is going out of style, and compete for attention from all the people in the room. We had a great holiday.

Now, we are back in Kansas City. It was nice to lay down all the responsiblities of the daily grind for a bit. We had a sweet time together and shared some special moments with my family.

For now, I wish everyone a deeply restoring Christmas and a renewing New Year.

Follow me

2006-12-01T11:11:00.000-06:00

This weekend I will be busily plunking away on my computer writing a paper for my master's class on leadership. As part of the class, I sent out questionaires for other's to evaluate my personal leadership history. I have to say that asking others to tell you what is right & wrong in your leadership is not what I would recommend if you are looking for an ego boost. By and large, most responses have been generous, perhaps too generous of my character. I do not think I would lift up my past as a banner of leadership for others to come around. But feedback is helpful.

Taking a course on leadership is a bit like studying the art of breathing. Yep, I can understand it and all the minutia of it. I can read great men's thoughts on oxygen mix, timing, and lung capacity - but if I don't breathe, my life is wasted. Knowledge about leadership is not really liberating. This is my fourth or fifth class on leadership in my lifetime, yet I don't know how much any of it has really helped the way I live. I understand more what my mistakes are...

So many men and women in the past appear to live such noble lives, but I wonder if they were present today if they would say the same about their own perceptions of their life. Because we can look back at them and we know the areas where they "won", it's easy to say - well, this is what they did right.

If I were to hold up a banner of leadership, it would simply be this, "I kept getting up." That's it. I think that resilience is one of the few leadership qualities that is a prerequisite for the others to show.

Well, that's my opinion at least...

Running in the fog

2006-11-21T16:02:00.000-06:00

I have literally been frazzled lately. I feel like I have been running hard for the last year and have not had time to fully absorb where I am today. I had a funny thought this past week. 1) Do I know who I am right now? 2) Do I like who I am right now?

Many mornings I shave in the shower and briefly turn to look in the mirror as I run out the door, and I cannot fully recognize the hazy outline of my own face. I think I know it. I hope I know it. But it's so easy to keep moving and not perceive the gradual variations. I have a subtle fear that the bearings of my course are one degree off. At this moment, I cannot see much deviation from mygoals and long-term desires - but 30 years from now I may find myself somewhere quite a bit different from where I expected to be... but then again, as one grows and matures, reinventing your journey and rediscovering your purpose is inevitable.

I wish I could take a month and go some where still and quiet and figure out who I am and set a path for who I want to be. I do not feel lost, or directionless - just road weary and I want to wipe the dust from my eyes.

This is just a confession. I think many live running hard and try to keep up a break neck pace, but do not have a current sense of their now.

Today, I took two minutes in a Chipotle bathroom and prayed. I cast my cares before God and asked that He would draw me into His presence. It was brief, honest... but meaningful. Whether it was the burrito or the prayer, I felt more in touch with the now and less worried about the "what may be". I think we all need those moments to stop and catch our breath - to lay down our burdens - to believe and remind ourselves that someone greater is in control.

I believe that God is waiting for us to see the end of our strength and bow - to acknowledge our limitations, wait, and rest. It is just so opposite of how I think I need to handle stress and busyness.

Father, thank you that you heard my prayer. Once again, I recognize you as my source strength and hope. When I am weak, you are strong. Thank you for being my ready support and refuge. I lay my burdens, my worries, my today, my yesterday, and my tomorrow down. Please guide me into your love. Teach me to rest and wait. Draw me into a life of worship and gratitude. Thank you Dad.

Amen

Photogenetic

2006-11-15T11:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I am gradually adding some more wedding pics.

Check them out.

The Hazzard of Being Haggard

2006-11-13T12:36:00.000-06:00

I am sure there are multiple blogs and articles all covering the Ted Haggard scandal. I do not know that I have anything new to contribute, but I would like to contribute. Having visited Ted's church and the prayer ministry next to it, I was saddened by the recent allegations. Much is still not confirmed, but it looks as though enough of the allegations are true that we should all be grieved over his choices and mourn the impact it will have in the life of his family, his church, and the ripples in American society. I was surprised today to see that it was no longer on the front page of msnbc, as it is no longer the hot news.

Ted, I am sorry for the choices you made. I am sorry that the impact of your fall will feel so much greater because of the expecations of others. I am concerned for you and your family, and I hope that it survives this painful season intact. I am grieved that you were able to isolate yourself and hide so much for so long. I am grieved that this was kept secret from your church and family until it was brought to local news. I do not believe that your efforts up to this point were false - but that you hid your struggles wrongfully - perhaps in pride or perhaps to protect others' hope. Most likely, your passion to uphold a Biblical family model was directly tied to your deep personal struggles. I hope that you face this openly, honestly, and with integrity. There is hope for redemption. There is hope for a brighter tomorrow. But right now you must weep, wail, and walk low. Forgiveness is the choice and responsibility of others. It is a gift when it is given. However, it is a poison to the giver when it is withheld.

A leader is just a man or a woman... frail, weak, and as human as their followers. We all hope that our leaders will not fail, but it is always a possibility. Our eyes cannot idolize their strength or personalities. We cannot be blinded by a hope or a vision of where they might take us.

Now, in the face of a failure, what is the message we give? Is our damaged hope worth shutting off all hope? Do we give up trusting because one failed? Do we make broad-based statements about all leaders? Do we secretly swear selfish support to self-reliant skepticism?

All we can do and still live, is get up and forgive. We do not ignore failure, but we choose to forgive. We support a road to healing and restoration for those who have failed when they are repentant. When they are not, we forgive and allow them to live their own life and deal with the consequences of their choices.

Baby It's Cold Outside

2006-11-13T11:56:00.000-06:00

At approximately 11:11 am on November 11th, 2006 - Sarah and I kissed began our married life together. It was a beautiful day, albeit quite brisk. Sarah's blue lips matched the saphires in her wedding band.

Here's a few pictures. More to follow...

Dad & Daughter

Jared, Josh, Gary, Sarah, & Anna

Vows

The Kiss

I hate politics

2006-10-31T08:48:00.000-06:00

Yep, this is a bit of a political post. I hate politics. The main reason I hate politics - is that so much of it is people latching on to one piece of information and waving it as hard as they can. It is almost always not the whole truth, but they know that. The goal is just to get as many people to rally behind the partial truth as possible to pass an amendent or elect an official. Generally, the news and ads do not deal with issues, but with strong opinions used to sway the thoughts of the masses. I feel like my intelligence is bombarded with insults for the 3 months prior to an election or crucial vote.

Here in the "Show me State" we are voting in a week on an amendment to our state constitution to protect stem cell research. One side is saying that it is cloning. The other is saying that the bill states, "No cloning". Here's the truth. Those for the bill are trying to create a life-science industry in the midwest to elevate the economy here. The bill does not allow new research that is currently restricted (as our laws do not clearly say anything about it yet), but it constitutionally protects it at the state level. From their viewpoint, this kind of research is not cloning. Stower's institute has invested some 25 million dollars to help pass this bill, in the hopes that they will be able to develop a consitutionally protecting life-science research industry here. The assumption here is that embryonic research will provide true discoveries that will have a financial payoff. If nothing is discovered that could be marketed and profitable, then their research would be at a total loss. So, from their perspective, it is a business venture with a risk, but they are not willing to invest heavily in the research unless their practices are legally protected. Their fear is that they will invest millions in research and part way through, an amendment will be passed forbidding embryonic stemcell research. Then their investment will be for nothing.

Additionally, there are many speaking about how restricting embryonic stemcell research is keeping them from their cure for their disease. This is a great deal of rhetoric as this kind of research is a total gamble. The potential discoveries may have little to do with their particular genetic flaw or sickness. There is a large assumption here regarding the end of the research. Any research institute would look for any profitable application of their discoveries, but it is a presumptious to assume that a person's specific cure lies in this kind of research. I guess it is just easy to assume that your golden ticket is always just out of reach due to someone else restricting your access to it. So, I do not believe that this is a valid argument, though a very popular one.

Also, the potential results of this kind of stem cell research need to be weighed. Currently, there have been some useful discoveries from somatic stem cell research (stem cells found within a person's body) but little from embryonic stem cell research that has been conducted. Again, it would be presumptuous to assume that there will or will not be discoveries if the research is conducted, but currently somatic stem cell research has yielded more results and shows greater potential.

From the other side, people are against cloning. Despite the fact that the bill says, "No cloning," the writers of the bill are essentially redefining cloning or rather making a distinct separation in it. They are saying that embryos/developing babies that are created and destroyed within 14 days for research purposes is not cloning because it is not reproductive cloning. None of these embryos/developing babies will be implanted in a uterus of a woman, so none of these research embryos/developing babies will be cloned.

The bottom-line question is this, "What value do you place on a human embryo/developing baby?" The research will "clone" genetic material again and again in the hopes of isolating certain DNA patterns and behaviors with a goal of finding some marketable medical cure and treatment for diseases or for any other profitable medical venture. Real human embryos will be created and destroyed. They will not be implanted under the bill - thus we will not see 1000 clones running the streets of KC. There is a hard dollar cost to the region if this industry is not developed here because there are many who are eager to invest in this kind of research and there are only two Universities in America currently performing it.

So, all opinions aside - the question is, "What is a human embryo to you?"

I will not float my opinion in at this point, because I know what I believe. But much of this issue has been buried under so many strong political opinions, that the issue has been lost. If people took time to decide what they believed about embryos/developing babies, this debate would be easy. Either, I believe there is value in human embryos as a financial resource and research tool - or I believe human embryos have value as developing human babies. It's all about where you place value.

I hate politics.

H & H

2006-10-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

In second grade at Masonville Elementary School I entered a new world. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Yawn (really her name, not a nick name) was cold, calculating, and counting the days to retirement. Her short cropped hair matched her curt responses . Then on one fall day, I wondered my way back to school after a summer of days swimming, making mud balls, and chasing lightning bugs - I found myself facing a young brunette teacher in her upper 20's. Her first order of business - H & H. What was this new procedure? It was our morning greeting ritual. When we came in the door each day, we had a hard choice to make - a hug or a handshake. We had to greet Mrs. Huffman, but we were given 2 distinct choices: open warmth or casual distance. Of course, initially I started with the clammy kid handshake. As the week went by, I worked my way to the semi-enthusiastic shake, with a bit of a smirk. A month later, I was a hugger. Mrs. Huffman was my favorite childhood teacher. She was warm, creative, supportive, and taught me fonix, or phonicks, or... dang. About half way through the year, she had extreme dental surgery and had to wear one of those monstrous metal AM antennas for a week or so. She missed a week of class, and then came back wearing the tooth cage. I remember facing the first day she was recovering, the substitute came in, and she knew nothing of H & H. She did not wear the heavy knit turtle neck sweaters like Mrs Huffman. It was a hugless week. I missed our morning ritual. A week later, Mrs. H returned, having to ensure that her new mouth ornament did not catch little girl sweaters and scarfs, she still hugged back all those who chose the hug over the handshake. I wish every elementary teacher could have been as unabashedly warm as Mrs. Huffman.

This past week I was reflecting on my relationship with God... sorta of struggling with understanding expectations. What is right to want and to expect from a relationship with God? Rigorous discipline and sacrificial faith ironically intersect father-like intimacy and a Spirit that cries, "Abba" or "Daddy". The spectrum is a broad as human emotion. What is right to want to desire? Should I live expecting a pat on the back and a handshake? Or do I get to sit before a piercing gaze and feel his strong-arm embrace?

My heart misses moments where my emotions feel swept up in my relationship with Him. I still have moments where I remember and relive - and I want to want that hug. Many of the other church goers I know seem to be quite happy with a handshake... with that casual distance. They regularly fill their alloted seat on Sundays, clap a little during the "upbeat" praise music, and seem genuine enough - but then they leave and run home and live their other "more demanding" life. I have watched myself drift back and forth between the two. Sometimes our feelings just are not in touch with spiritual reality, and we must faith our way into a hug. It becomes all too easy to just show up for my slotted God time during the week, pray sporadically as needed, and live with good intentions. Not that any of that is wrong, but why should the relationship of relationships become rote practice, protocol, and procedure? If I am truly a reflection of His image (albeit imperfect and a bit fuzzy), then my ache to know Him and enjoy a personal relationship cannot be purely a result of chance... but reflection of the curve of His finger in my own spirit - an indented place where He left His mark.

I guess my cry is for a genuine relationship that intersects my life in every way that it possibly can. I do not want to work myself into a hyper-emotional spirituality, but I also cannot deny that my emotions want to share in the experience. Some days it's so easy to feel love, and others are the days of faith and trusting that tomorrow His mercy will be new. But to be entirely honest, I want the hug more than the handshake. And I'm not really satisfied with living in casual distance. I do not really want proper spirituality as much as a genuine relationship - whatever that means. I do not think that the relationship of relationships was meant to be mental consent of a set of factual beliefs. Otherwise, heaven is going to be like the most tedious college class ever... much like my statistics course I am taking right now.

I believe the ache in me was meant to be filled by the hug from Him. But there are days, when all I can do is trust that despite what my emotions say, I am closely loved - and He has not stepped back to a handshake distance - to mark my checklist with smiley faces or frowny faces depending on how well I meet the requirements. My emotions do not always tell the most true story - but rather the one they most feel.

H or H - what will it be today? Drawing close but risking that I may not emotionally feel what I want - or casual distance that acknowledges the relationship. It's the battle of desire. What will I allow myself to want today? How much am I willing to risk? Will I just check off my time this week, or will I choose to honor that relationship first - no matter what feeling takes precedent?

Full-time Bridal Shower Guy

2006-10-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

I had a fascinating revelation yesterday. I recently found out that my company is "restructuring" which means I may or may not need to explore other avenues of employment. This past weekend, Sarah and I ventured to central KS (Abilene - said like Fat Albert - I be leanin' on that tree...). We showered, or were showered, or something. Needless to say there was not much water involved in this "shower" but a lot of gifts, random varities of cobblers (yeah, I know... I didn't know there was more than one either...), cards, money, and lots of handshaking. The general response from the audience was that we were a rousing good show. So, with my current employment potentially up in the air, I've decided on a new career path. I think we should take this bridal shower gig on the road, traveling from town to town, city to city - I will pre-arrange showers for Sarah and I - thus we will indefinitely be postponing the wedding. Maybe we can open for an aging big band, like Aerosmith or Kansas. I guess we'll need to coordinate a variety of costumes and theme music - like the Traveling VonTrapp Family. This past shower I was given towels (again - I don't understand the need for towels in a waterless shower... maybe I'm missing something), cooking stuff, and a grill (I know - a freakin' grill - how awesome is that). I have money for furniture (thank you notes are on the way!!!). So, now to continue to find new toys to register for and to work on my handshakes & "nice to meet you's". I may develop handshake callouses and learn thank you in ten different languages, but it's all in the name of my career. I don't know how I missed this when I took those career assessments in highschool. I'm a natural at bridal showers! People just threw money at me, and all I had to do was act charming and behave myself, which I can do... again and again. Hmmm, I wonder if I could change my master's degree major to a Master's in Professional Showering. Though, I'm still going to have to figure out this water thing... maybe they'll cover that in the Doctoral Program.

One Month and Counting & Cold Feet

2006-10-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

Well, the fall is feeling officially upon us here in the midwest. We're supposed to get frost this week for the first time since last winter. The crisp, cold air is blowing. The question is, "Are my feet getting colder with the weather?" First off, I must say, that I am not entirely sure why "cold feet" is the colloquialism of choice. I have learned this from Wikipedia (the website - not our invisible dog): 'Cold feet' originates from the Italian piedi freddi, but the nuance is different. To have cold feet in Italy means to be penniless and rather financially stuck. There is no connotation of fear in the Italian expression, rather the meaning is more sarcastic, as in the case of someone who has squandered his riches foolishly away and is now financially stuck. So, it sounds more like cold feet is the result of being a poor fiance.... which seems like it would be the person who ran off that had warm feet and the one that stayed had cold feet...

And in truth, getting married on a November morning in a historic wooden country chapel without heat or power would also tend to naturally create cold feet. We'll be pausing the ceremony every five minutes to perform the Electric Slide so no one gets too cold. Actually, I'm not too worried. We are cramming about 100 people in a chapel that comfortably holds 70, so we'll stay warm by bonding. One month until I give my name to my best friend - I just feel so much peace about this decision. I am not entirely sure how I am going to juggle working full-time, remodeling the kitchen, wedding planning, master's classes, hunting for a new job, and maintaining my good looks. That is the only part that is stressful or worrisome. I think a month from now my feet will be cold because of the weather only. But right now, I'm just plain excited.

Worship leaders

2006-10-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

I would like to recommend everyone to read a story about a family that is becoming increasingly precious to Sarah and I - Cameron and Sharla Erlandson. They have a beautiful little daughter, Kiersten, and an adventurous boy, Caleb. They are generous, giving, humble, and perhaps overly kind in their support of Sarah and I.

I think that the last two years of their life has demonstrated exceptional character, and the worship that comes out of their words and actions in the midst of hardship is truly rare. I won't delve further into their story other to say that I strongly recommend taking some time to read it. Here is the link: Kiersten, Where God Finds Us.

The blind can see

2006-10-09T08:42:00.000-05:00

I have a confession. With all my grand ideas and random skills, I cannot seem to repair a crucial leak in my home. It is a bit of a reverse leak - with the goal trying to contain something precious and rather necessary to my life. I am the Canadian goldfish handyman trying to seal a leak in my bowl with ample amounts of duct tape (because if you aren't handsome, at least the ladies should find you handy). Okay, that's a bit of a weird illustration - but if you've ever seen the Red Green Show on PBS, I'm not as nuts as I sound. Really... I'm sure you've all heard illustrations about Canadian goldfish handymen.

Last night I spent some time praying and had an honest confession and revealing discovery about myself. I rekindled the coals in my heart and touched those old visited places in my memory where the most precious moments of my life live. It was in that moment of remembering soaring mountaintop experiences with God that all I could say to Him was, "I leak in the worst way."

Kodak moments abound and we quickly whip out our digital cameras like stereotypical Asian tourists and click away (and yell "Godzilla!" at cows we pass on the highway). Later on we may look at the pictures wondering why that particular moment seemed so crucial to capture - or we may cherish the still image as a reminder of a day we cannot recreate. Historically, the Jews erected random piles of rocks (most likely with Kodak branded on the underside of them) to come back to in order to remind their tribe of a special moment. The Jewish calendar abounds with holidays where Extreme-Tickle-Me-Elmo is not in the spotlight, but rather remembrance of deliverance and atonement. Remembering is wrapped up in the way God scheduled their year.

I guess I wish that I did not seem to leak like I do. It seems to be a prevalent human flaw though. It's particularly frustrating to me that I lose awareness of the value of those memories, of my heritage. So, I choke down Jesus croutons and grape juice in sippy cups made for gnomes - and I try to embrace the most significant unspoken words ever lived out - for me to hear and remember the greater love.

I believe that there is one primary reason why I do not live always aware - I lose sight. The truth is, when I see, I worship, I remember, I cherish... and so I leak. Maybe I need to erect my own pile of rocks. I'm sure scrapbooking stores market a spiritual remembrance line of products (next to the soccer camp scrapbook department).

There were certain benefits to walking behind a pillar of smoke or fire. It was undeniably clear that your relationship with God was real, now, and alive. Now we walk in this thing called faith, and I find that it's not so easy to always see, to always know. It's a wee bit more difficult to see a smile in an email from a friend or a blessing in having exactly the right amount of lumber to finish a kitchen remodeling project. Sometimes my time with God feels more tangible than my natural senses - and other times I feel a bit detached in some other world.

My revolving door prayer has become this, "Open my eyes to see where you are loving me today. Don't let me miss your goodness, favor, and will. Give me grace to see and draw me into worship today."

If I could always see, I would always worship. I would live grateful, humble, and freely giving my time. The battle is for my faith to grow with each new God-encounter, to leave more sure of who it is I worship and delight in Him more than the day before.

Again today, I need to see again and remember, or at least I need a roll of duct tape to patch up some leaks.