Expectation versus Expectancy

I feel like I may be on the verge of a personal breakthrough. I have had my heart stuck in a loop of questions about my relationship with God. What is it supposed to be today? What should I expect, hope for, and pray expectantly for? Is the shopping list of prayers that I have grown up with a concoction of the selfish nature of mankind? Does God really want to provide an answer to our frustration with the passport renewal forms?

I have read a lot of scripture. I have played my part in a variety of church circles. I have loved God deeply and felt shattered by my expectation to see Him invade my life at some points. At others I have seen Him change hearts, heal the scars of abuse, and mend broken bodies. This has thrown me into a conundrum. What is different about the prayers? Some of the moments He intervenes, and some of the moments a haunting silence seems to prevail and all you can do is mourn and pray for redemption from the pain.

So, I have fell again and again over this issue of expectation. What should I expect when I pray about the day, about this day?

I am being confronted by the nature of expectation. It is about boundaries. It is about control. It is fueled by distrust. Each of these become well-intentioned barriers I throw up in my quest to turn to God and yet still remain in control, to demand that at least I should know how to prepare myself for His response.

My desire to understand what I should expect is fully hostile to the nature of expectancy, of waiting with trust that whatever comes, love will prevail. In the end, God still wins, despite whether I see the answer I want come.

Prayer for me seems to flow so easy when it is focused on gratitude, repentance, and relationship. It freezes around asking God for an answer in the moment for me. It is easy to pray for others, but I stumble over my insecurity of expectation. Yet I feel and believe He is inviting me to a further level of trust, of expectancy.

So, that seems to be the journey of my heart at the moment. It is jumbled and sometimes drown out by grant applications or the Olympics, but it still seems to hum to itself quietly waiting for me to return to it. I am quite convinced that God is far more committed to this journey than I can be on my best day, and that lends my heart strength, as I know my capacity to stray is amazingly great.

He is good in the worst of ways. He is good in the best of ways. And His invitations to follow Him and know Him require the uncovering of areas I would probably leave ignored. Yet, He is persistent in His stubborn love to renew me and invite me back to understand Him anew. Great is our God.