Finding Your X

More often than not, many of us encounter moments when we realize that we are not enough to overcome some lack in our life. Sometimes we are looking for a miraculous answer to prayer. Other times we are looking to see some character flaw be washed away, easily. Still, most of the time, I believe that majority of us run in repeatingly destructive or futile loops. Unaware, we daily interact in relationships deeply wanting something intanglible that is not spoken outwardly as a need or desire. We all want X.

When that silent personal desire is not met, we react predictably, repeating the same words, tone, or actions we have used in the past to cope with these unmet expectations. This protective stance provides our tender spots with a false sense of safety, soul camouflage. Once protected, we feel safe, or justified, or numb, or whatever it is we believe brings a sense of control and security.

Some become self-righteous, hiding behind biting (albeit blind to personal weakness) criticism of those nearest them. Others check out of life with a hobby, a bottle, a vacation, a tv, or some other substance or activity that serves to numb them to the emptyness of the moment. And still others perform, in work, religion, social justice, or serving their loved ones to stack up a list of actions that demonstrates their value, despite the fact that they feel that their expectations are unmet.

In general, we have developed sophisticated protective mechanisms to hide our fear that our needs will not get met, and many of those deeper needs are not the ones that come immediately to mind. Where we may have a deep desire for others to demonstrate that we warrant respect, our actions may be to take a stand in a relationship for something we want... the intensity behind our words and actions may well seem ridiculous when we step away from the moment, but seem justified at the time.

Whatever it is that we are afraid we will lose or never obtain will drive us until that need or want is surrendered. It is only when we give up our rights to demand it, expect it, or manipulate a situation to have it, that we find freedom from the dance of desire. Jesus beautifully painted the picture with his life for all of eternity to look at with wonder:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” - (Phillipians 2:3-8)

As God, Jesus chose to lay down the treatment he could have rightfully demanded, for the sake of bridging the gap between God and man. I find, that more often than not, the things that I want the deepest (i.e. respect, fulfillment, a sense of significance, adventure, passionate living, infectious joy, etc), also provide a temptation to obtain them on my terms, protecting my interests. For most of us, we develop subversive ways to get what we really want while minimally exposing ourselves to risk: risk of rejection, risk of failure, risk of being met with criticism, risk of being lonely, risk of the one we love not loving back, etc.

We reach for the stars with selfish arms and rarely pull back enough surplus love and value to meet our desires, which further reinforces our fear that there is a limited supply of X. Since there is not enough to go around, we fight to grab what we can or numb our desire for it. Little do we realize that all our fears act like stacks of elaborate filters. Where there may have been a gallon of X poured in, all of our internal checks and balances neutralized all but an ounce of what was poured in. Just a few drops trickle through to us in the end.

So, we question the love of others around us. Do they really care? Am I really happy with my life? And the cycle reinforces itself. We fear we may not find the thing we want to confirm our personal value, our X. So we place more filters or more fillers in our life, none of them bringing enough of what we want and leaving us feeling deeply dissatisfied.

In the book of Matthew (16:24 - 26), Jesus is quoted as saying this:

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?”

It seems that when we fight to hoard our life to protect our supply of value, we cut ourselves off from the life and fulfillment that we truly desire. Fear restricts us to the few drops of X that fall through our filters. But living to give away your life and your supply of life, love, joy, passion for the sake of God and others opens you up to a deeper well of resource, of one not restricted by filters of fear and selfish demands. What an amazing paradox!