New Blog

Hey all -

Sarah and I now have a combined blog at burtons.wordpress.com. Check us out there.

Expectation versus Expectancy

I feel like I may be on the verge of a personal breakthrough. I have had my heart stuck in a loop of questions about my relationship with God. What is it supposed to be today? What should I expect, hope for, and pray expectantly for? Is the shopping list of prayers that I have grown up with a concoction of the selfish nature of mankind? Does God really want to provide an answer to our frustration with the passport renewal forms?

I have read a lot of scripture. I have played my part in a variety of church circles. I have loved God deeply and felt shattered by my expectation to see Him invade my life at some points. At others I have seen Him change hearts, heal the scars of abuse, and mend broken bodies. This has thrown me into a conundrum. What is different about the prayers? Some of the moments He intervenes, and some of the moments a haunting silence seems to prevail and all you can do is mourn and pray for redemption from the pain.

So, I have fell again and again over this issue of expectation. What should I expect when I pray about the day, about this day?

I am being confronted by the nature of expectation. It is about boundaries. It is about control. It is fueled by distrust. Each of these become well-intentioned barriers I throw up in my quest to turn to God and yet still remain in control, to demand that at least I should know how to prepare myself for His response.

My desire to understand what I should expect is fully hostile to the nature of expectancy, of waiting with trust that whatever comes, love will prevail. In the end, God still wins, despite whether I see the answer I want come.

Prayer for me seems to flow so easy when it is focused on gratitude, repentance, and relationship. It freezes around asking God for an answer in the moment for me. It is easy to pray for others, but I stumble over my insecurity of expectation. Yet I feel and believe He is inviting me to a further level of trust, of expectancy.

So, that seems to be the journey of my heart at the moment. It is jumbled and sometimes drown out by grant applications or the Olympics, but it still seems to hum to itself quietly waiting for me to return to it. I am quite convinced that God is far more committed to this journey than I can be on my best day, and that lends my heart strength, as I know my capacity to stray is amazingly great.

He is good in the worst of ways. He is good in the best of ways. And His invitations to follow Him and know Him require the uncovering of areas I would probably leave ignored. Yet, He is persistent in His stubborn love to renew me and invite me back to understand Him anew. Great is our God.

Notaly no more... now it is Yitaly!

For those of you who have been listening to my whining session about not being able to take a trip to Europe pre-"beginning my uber responsible parental life", ha ha... I shall whine no more. In a moment of jest, I went as far as to declare that our first born, should it be a girl, would be named Notaly (secret code for "Not Italy"). Now our collective reproductive organs have a 4 month timer put on them, as we are going to Italy this winter. Hurray, hurrah! I don't have to grow up yet!

We have discovered that by adding "Bella" before each noun and "ay" to the end of the noun, we speak quite passable Italian. For example, "Honey, please pass the "bella remotay!". (Translation: Pass the remote.) Our Italian is enhanced greatly by vivid arm gestures with no correlation to the topic of the sentence. It's been easier to learn Italian than I thought it would have been.

Yesterday, we loaded up our backpacks (tres chic!) with 25 pound weights and hiked a mile in a local park in the midst of several speed walking retirees who thought the backpacks were an interesting addition to our ensemble. So, we are in practice for the trip. When we passed a group of trees, I would yell, ""We're late for our train. Run!" We had to imagine the slice of pizza in our hand as we ran of course. Later, I will bring the pizza to the park with us so that we can practice for real.

Now we are watching Lalympics (Burtonese for Olympics) and enjoying most of it. I am working on my floor exercise for the 2012 Lalympics during commercials. I am surprisingly graceful. Our cat is my biggest fan.

Where the H E Double Hockey Sticks Have I Been

Well, I would like to say that I am definitely back on the blogging boat, but I am still feeling out my commitment level. Here's the deal. Some time early this year I found myself stuck in a job I was highly unhappy with. It was stressful, difficult, and my fuel for far too much complaining off the job.

So, about five weeks ago I changed jobs. I am greatly pleased with my new job. It is about all I could ask for at this moment in my life. Good pay, respect, significant responsibility, great affordable benefits, and I get to make a real impact in communities across the state. However, currently I have a 67 mile commute one direction, and well, the other direction too after I am there. Also, can we say internet monitoring? So, work is not a good place to catch up on my blogging. So the world is spared from my ramblings...

And you all know how it is... once you stop something it takes significant effort to regain momentum. Plus, most of my early blogging was fueled by a rush of adrenaline and testosterone from dating my wife.... and alas, (*"Alas, what baby?!, interjects my wife.") it is used up in other ways at this point.

So for all who wonder, we are still doing well. It looks like we may be moving to Lawrence, Kansas in a month, which has never been on my specific list of places to move to, but hey, surprise, surprise, right...? I still have no idea what "Rock Chalk JayHawk" is supposed to mean, nor do I yet have an affinity for the short bird with the misproportioned beak and cranium. But there is lots of music, cheap beer, and clothing made of various recycled materials that is guarenteed to exfoliate whatever portion of your body it covers. Sarah and I are still trying to decide what we are going to protest when we move in. Evidently it is a requirement to have "a cause" when you move into Lawrence.

Sarah has been scrapbooking like a maniac. Yesterday she scrapbooked the tornado damage. Those of you who know her family, know that her hometown has been mangled by a tornado. I won't write about it at length because it's hard to look or talk about, but the town is starting the rebuilding process.

Rio, our purring floor mat with teeth, is a bountiful 17 pounds of sleeping fury.

No other new additions to the family right now... at least none that I am aware of.

So, I hope you all feel moderately enlightened. I will try to blog a bit more regularly. Just know we are busy, productive, but deeply blessed and happy with our lives.

Oh, and I graduated too... did I mention that? $12,000 and 2 years later I am now a Master of the Universe. For those of you caught unaware in that reference, wikipedia "He-Man". Yep, awesome.

When I swallow, my throat screams at me

This winter has not been terribly fun. It wants to hang around far too long. There may be snow tomorrow. It's almost the middle of April. I want green! If that is not enough, I have gotten sick twice in one winter. That adds to this complaining session. Currently, my throat is raw and feels like I have been swallowing brillo pads. Seriously, aren't you supposed to grow out of this stuff?

March Madness

My brain is swirling madly between college basketball (none of the colleges I attended mind you), actual college projects, taxes (oh how I hate them), wild work moments, and gastrointestinal extravaganzas. I want to see either KU or UNC win (I have to pull for my girl's team too). So needless to say, it will be tough to choose who to cheer for on Saturday.

Nothing worth dialoging at length at this moment. I am regularly reminded that the chaotic chess board that is urban development, is not near as interesting to people who do not study it or choose it for a career. See, I am a merciful blogger. However, last night we ate dinner with some friends of ours and the wife is in community development and the husband is a teacher. It was like playing cross the table conversation ping pong all night.

So, best wishes to everyone else with their March Madness. Hopefully all here in our household will win.

Gotta Love Spring

Spring is coming. Today the weather seems to be confused about that fact. The high today is 76, tomorrow 31.... seriously, what?

I do have to say that I am ready for Spring. I love sunshine, blue skies, and an abundance of green. I went bike riding and took a walk yesterday. It was much like a binge on sunlight and fresh air. I found myself smiling again, just smelling the air and watching the horny little squirrels chase each other like they have been abstinent for the length of Winter. Ahh, Spring!

Oh, yesterday, I had an America's Funniest Videos moment. The trail I like to bike on is paved, but not currently open to car traffic. It, much like today, was confused about what season it was. There were several hundred yard patches of solid ice on the four mile stretch. When I came to them, I would find a line in the ice and just ride straight. So, four miles out and 3 and 9/10 miles back, on my last patch of ice I lost control, the bike kicked out a good 8 feet away from the rest of my body, and my less than bodacious back side landed directly on the ice. There I was, thanking God that I had emptied my bowels prior to the ride and wondering if I was going to freeze to death on this stretch of ice. The road was closed for construction and I was the only human I had seen on the four mile stretch. So... I laid there, water soaking into my clothes, and thought about the deeper things of life, like walking and breathing. I very slowly made my way up and on the fifteen try was able to lift my leg up to get back on the bike and ride out.

Alas, there were no video crews to capture my feat of grace. Today, my ham is more tender than normal. Everything seems to be functioning, so that's good. I may have a little skateboarding pycho in my genes some where, because I plan to keep biking... though I may wait until the ice melts to go again.

The things you do to commemorate Spring after a miserable Winter....

Three Strikes in One Day

Well, to those of you who have followed my excursion into the nonprofit world, it will come as no surprise that I am job hunting again. I am still working and trying to help at my organization, but I have not been able to find a way to contribute meaningfully in my current workplace environment. I could provide a plethora of details and lots of stories, but I will spare you. Just talk to my wife, and she can catch you up on the drama. Thus, I have been actively networking, calling on friends, applying for jobs... all while working full-time and going to college at night.

Today has not been a good day. I received three "thanks for trying" responses on three of the jobs I applied for.

What I want: one job in community or economic development that pays enough to live on and will provide an opportunity to use my education and grow in my experience... seems pretty clear, or so I thought.

What I have found: It's a field with no entry-level positions. So, everyone expects experience and a 4-year degree. I've got limited experience and almost my master's degree, but that has not cut it yet. Also, the Midwest is not a very friendly environment for community development (apart from Chicago maybe). There is little public and private investment here.

At this point, I giving Kansas City until the summer to redeem itself. Otherwise I am going to hunt elsewhere.

So I have been and continue to be discouraged. I have been working hard to get a door to open. I know I have the capacity to contribute well if I can just get a meaningful opportunity. The combination of a semi-hostile work environment, an uglier than normal winter, a house that is still for sale, still looking for a church to call home, and having less free time due to school obligations has been hard on us. It feels like we are just floating, waiting for something good to happen, all while the current less-than-desirable situation continues to recycle itself each day.

If you think about us, say a prayer for the right door to open and for emotional and mental strength to endure a situation we are dissatisfied with.